It's Here!! It's Finally Here!!!

JULY 2009


Well, race day zoomed up on us! We had finished our tri-prep class. I was soooo glad I took it. The class had covered all the basic parts of the race and a lot more. I felt prepared. I was about to learn if I was!

Charis and I enjoyed our 6 hour drive to Pleasant Prairie, WI.

We're ready!

From my journal:

The expo the day before the race was so fun. Charis and I have to wait for our shirts because they didn’t have any left in our sizes. They marked both of our arms with our numbers and we got our timing chips. We looked at fun sports products and grabbed lots of free goodies. We listened to an inspirational speaker and course overview. We examined the beach where we’d be starting and put our feet in the water. We went out for a pasta dinner and drove the bike course. We were ready.

We knew the weather the next day was going to be great. It was hard to get to sleep the night before, that’s for sure! My phone alarm sounded way too soon-3:45am. The transition area would be opening at 4:30 and our plan was to be there at 5:30. All of my gear was laid out the night before so all I had to do was go through the pile of stuff to get ready and make the breakfast. Heart rate monitor, contacts-that’s right, I was going to put an extra set of contacts in my transition bag! I loved putting on that tri suit-it made everything very real.

Well, I had to figure out what to do with my hair too. Why did I grow it long again? No matter how I did it, it was sure to be a mess when I was done. I just wanted to keep it out of my face. I figured out something that I hoped would work and still fit under the bike helmet.

Breakfast. Double protein smoothie and oatmeal. Fill my water bottle to rinse my feet after the swim. Fill my water bottle for my bike with Gatorade. Fill my other water bottle. Pray they have enough port-a-potties at the race! I grabbed all my stuff and we were pretty much on schedule. Charis gathered the food we were planning to eat between the closing of the transition area at 6:30 and our swim wave which would be no sooner than 8:20!

Even with all of the detours for construction and closed roads for the race we made good time to the off-site parking. We just needed to pull our bikes off the van and pump up the tires and we’d be good to go-plenty of time. Except Charis had some trouble with the bike pump! We got enough air in her tires to make it the 2 miles we needed to go-we hoped-and off we went.

We made it to the race site at about 6:05. Instead of the hour we had planned, we had 25 minutes to set up and get out! Charis headed straight to the bike mechanic and I went to rack my bike. There was no room. The bikes were packed in with about 2-3 inches between each one. Wow. With 3200 women registered for the event, we saw this could be a problem the day before as we looked over the sea of already racked bikes, and asked about our options. I grabbed the next rack closest to the one I was assigned and racked my bike.

About 15 minutes later, as I was setting up my gear, I saw Charis one rack over. The bike mechanic pumped up her tires and assured her that the tube would be fine. We were both relieved! Then she walked over with this mournful look on her face. “Jesaca, I’m so sorry. I forgot the food.” Gulp. I couldn’t believe what came out of my mouth! I’m typically NOT a calm-under-pressure-girl…“You know what? It’s o.k. We’ll be o.k. We’ve been preparing for this for a long time. We’re ready. We’ve hydrated well all week. We’ve been eating well for weeks. We’ve trained well. Our bodies will do whatever we ask them to do today!” We scrounged what we could and prepared to leave the transition area with everyone else. We headed to the pottys right near the transition area and got in line. The line wasn’t too bad. We knew we had plenty of time.

As we headed toward the beach we decided to watch the elite wave of 11 women take off at 7:00. We had a super view off the side of the lake. It was a straight across swim. The first woman came out of the water after her half-mile swim in under 9 minutes! Wow!

 

 I love those pink goggles!!

Charis was watching for her sister, Bethany, to maybe show up and take some pictures of us. We figured after we saw the line for the port-a-pottys that we should get in it! It took 50 minutes to make it through the line. We worked on stretching while we were in it! Then we hit the water to warm up a bit. We cheered on the gals from previous waves who were headed to the finish line on their runs! Then we started to join all of the yellow caps that were headed into the corral on the beach. It was almost time!

As we were standing there, Bethany found us and began snapping pictures. Then we were crossing the timing mat. We were cheering and dancing to the loud music and then we were counting down. I gave Charis a big hug and punched my watch stem and off we went!

I remembered to stay calm. I just kept swimming and sighting and bumping into other gals who would stop and say they were sorry. It didn’t seem like many of them were really swimming, they mostly had their heads above the water and I totally get that! I only learned how to swim in October and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But after a while, as I would turn my head to breathe, I noticed an odd look on the faces of the gals I could see. When it dawned on me that it was a look of admiration I wanted to cry! “Yes,” I thought, “I’m really swimming! I can swim and you can learn how too and you should!” I really hit a groove and was so comfortable so I started pushing for a little more speed, trying to pace myself and remember to rest my legs-they had a long ways to go yet. When I realized I was more than half way I got so excited. I thought, “I’m going to do this, I’m really going to do this! I don’t think it’s taking me the 30 minutes that I thought it would! I have prepared for this!” Then I could see the lake bottom getting closer to me and I wanted to scream. I came out of that water as fast as I could.

 Thanks, Bethany, for all of the wonderful pics!!

I started running and yanking on the zipper of my wetsuit. (Yes, I really wore a wetsuit!) I saw the timing mat under my feet and I yanked my wetsuit down to my waist. As I began the long run through the transition area I grabbed my goggles and swim cap off my head. I ran straight to my bike, thank goodness, and looked at my watch. What?!? 22 minutes!!! I began pulling off my wetsuit and looked over. There was Charis! We waved excitedly at each other and she was off!

The transition was a little scrambly for me. I was worried I’d forget something! I was pumped to get on the bike, I knew I was already ahead of time!

3,000 bikes!

As I headed off with my bike, I was a little confused, no one else seemed in much of a hurry. I scooted over another timing mat and tried to move through the group of women that were starting out on their bikes. It was so disorienting. No one seemed to be in a hurry! I was thinking, “Is it supposed to be like this?” Women were taking up the entire lane 3 and 4 wide and moseying along at a leisurely pace. A woman in front of me ran over a cone and almost wiped out while she was waving to her family! At that point I started hollering… “Coming through! On your left! On your left! On your left!” I was as polite as I could be as I started trying to ramp up my speed until I finally left the driveway of the recplex and moved onto the road that was closed to traffic for us. I began screaming by everyone on my bike. Even up the first several hills! Charis and I had started off in the buddy wave. I wonder if that’s why so many gals were 2 and 3 wide on the roadway chatting like they had all the time in the world. Good for them. I’m glad they got together to do this fun triathlon thing. It’s good exercise. There were lots of people at the expo yesterday. Were you gals not there? You’re supposed to stay to the right. “On your leeeeffft!!!!” Could you just maybe stay out of my way? Thanks!

I was really pleased with how well I maneuvered on the hills. Once again I thought about how much I had prepared for this and I was so glad I had. I wished I knew my average speed. I knew I was in the 16 range a lot and I didn’t seem to drop below 11 on the hills. I knew I hit 26 at one point, but it was hard to tell overall! When I got the official results I was really shocked! My average on my hybrid was 17 mph, which my trainer, Mark, assures me is kickin’ for my bike! My time for the bike leg was 8 minutes less than I guessed it would be!

I came in off of the bike trying to be careful of the moseyers! I downed a gel pack and some water and headed out on the run. Now would come the challenge.

 Lookin' a little fierce, that's me!!!

Five weeks ago I was doing 5k in just under 30 minutes. Not really fast, but incredible for me! But for the last 5 weeks, I hadn’t been able to run much more than 2 minutes at a time because I was having trouble with my lower left leg after ramping up my intensity without wearing my orthotics for 2 ½ months. I had resigned myself to the idea that I might need to walk the run leg of the race. Just 4 days before the race I was finally able to run for more than 20 minutes and I cried with relief. I wanted to do this pretty badly!

I felt pretty good heading out. I knew my leg was warmed up well too, though they both felt wooden for about the first mile. I clipped along checking my heart rate every so often. It was hard to know just how much to push my leg. I know I can run comfortably with my heart rate, in race conditions, at 168-171. I kept it at 165-166 to keep from pushing on my leg! My time for the run ended up being a little over 32 minutes. While I was disappointed, I know I can’t complain. Especially after Charis reminded me that I hadn’t really run for 5 weeks! I didn’t have an ipod either because they’re not allowed. (Though I saw numerous women wearing them anyway!) I walked 3 or 4 steps for water at the first water stop and then ran through a sprinkler. At the half way point they had a fire hose, which I ran through! I walked for some water again and couldn’t believe how great I felt, so I took it up a notch. I started to feel my leg, but it wasn’t too bad and I was almost to the finish! The closer I got to the finish line, the harder I pushed and it was difficult to move through the many people that were strolling to the finish! People were cheering and clapping and before I knew it I was crossing the timing mat!

Thank you, God! Thank you for seeing me through so much! Race day was mostly about celebrating the journey, for me. I did it! I really did it! That had to be one of the best feelings of my life. Charis was there and we grabbed each other and just cried. We’re such girls!! She had held her finishers medal to put around my neck and I did the same for her. What an incredible moment!!! What an awesome day. An ordained journey. According to Sally Edwards, I can now say, “I am an invincible triathlete!”

I think this one says it all.

Incredibly, I had completed my goal to do a triathlon! It had been less than one year since I had partnered with the Lord to pursue it. The journey had been about so much more than that one race! God used it to cultivate strength in my body, mind and spirit. I discovered so much about who I am, who He is and how He loves me and what He wants for my life. I'm sure I sound silly when I describe triathlon as a spiritual experience. I know it's not the triathlon that is. It's my life. Triathlon is a gift that allowed me to more fully embrace my life and the wholeness of who God created me to be. And I'm deeply grateful for His mercy and grace!

Cannon Falls Du

But before I get to that incredible birthday gift from God, I have to tell you about my first duathlon experience!

I had already done a 5k in April. I came in about 10 minutes faster than my original 5k time the previous July!

I was excited about the Duathlon the first weekend in May. I knew that I was as ready as I could be. Here's my journal entry about that day....

Charis and I setting up our transition areas.

As I fell asleep on Friday night I remember thinking, “God has this all under control. No matter what happens tomorrow, I'll have done what He asked me to do and I need to rest in that!” After 3 nights of not sleeping well at all, I finally slept a solid 7 hours before the duathlon. I woke up thanking God that after all I've been through in my life I'm still healthy enough and my body still works well enough to pursue this endeavor. I thanked Him for creating me to be who I am and for granting me this opportunity. I reminded myself that I really do want to live for Him like I'm jumping off a cliff and envisioned what that looked like today. If I messed this up, He was gonna catch me anyway.

I ate two eggs on a tortilla for breakfast with some yogurt and a sprinkle of granola on the side. I made a shake to take along if I'd need it later and the blender broke up just as it finished blending. Seriously, the little spinning mechanism completely disintegrated- fortunately that part wasn't in the shake!

I put my bike and gear in the car and Kirstin and the girls too and off we went.

I followed Matt and Charis and it was nice to not have to think about how to get there. Besides, I had to continue to concentrate on relaxing and remembering to breathe!

 

I remember pulling into Cannon Falls and feeling my stomach flip over. We turned a corner and I could see the orange cones along the street.

Abigail and Lydia started to chatter and ask tons of questions. I love it when kids ask questions. They are all framed in the context of their own world. “Are those cones for your race, mom?” Then we saw the fairgrounds and all of the banners and the transition area and people getting set up and everything became real. Kirstin started asking me questions that I couldn't answer and I had to ask her to just “go with it” today!

We had to pull over for a potty stop before we parked. It was going to be a bit of a hike back from the car and Charis and I had both been downing water since we left. Then we parked the cars and unloaded everything.

I reminded the girls that Kirstin was in charge and they needed to ask her any questions or tell her if they needed something-I would be unavailable! I handed her $20 and the car key, just in case, and told her to “just take care of the girls and enjoy the morning!”

As I put my bike back together and checked everything out I noticed that the front brake was sticking-again! I concentrated on relaxing and asked Matt if he could help me out-he is an engineer. Good grief! I prepared myself for changing a tire tube, but don't understand much about the brakes! Matt couldn't do much without a screwdriver, which we didn't have, so he explained how I could reach down and give it a little tug if I needed to. I had to plan to just avoid using the front brake. Super. That's the first thing I learned that day about what I need to work on!

We hiked everything down to the transition area and figured out what to do there. Well, as much as we could. Charis has this philosophy about just doing what everyone else does and she really looks like she lives flying by the seat of her pants (which is why she's so good for “must prepare for everything” me), but as she was laying everything out it looked like she knew exactly what she was doing and I said as much. She then informed me that she had watched a video the night before and thought about calling me about it, but she didn't want to freak me out.

Well, she was right.

Besides I didn't have much to lay out. My helmet and my gloves and figuring out what the most efficient way to point the bike was.

I pinned my number on my shirt. I got my ipod out and strapped all the cords where they needed to be. Charis was looking around and I heard her say, “Good, we aren't the only ones with ipods...” We checked in and they wrote our numbers on our hand and arm! We were official! We proceeded to potty stop again, warm-up, stretch some and take off our long pants and jackets. They had this little briefing about the course. Why do they do that to me. The few events I've done they say you are responsible to know the course. It just adds to my anxiety. I don't ever feel like I know where to go or turn or not turn. Didn't understand this time either.

We're official!

We headed over to the start line. Charis asked if we wanted to stay together. I assured her I didn't want to hold her back. I think we run pretty even, but I knew she'd smoke me on the bike. As I stood there waiting I thought, “I'm doing this and there's no one to tell me I can't and it's o.k. for me to do it just for me, just because I can. Thank you God!” I seriously almost started crying. Then we were off.

That first 2 mile run was easy and fun. I wasn't thrilled about the little potholes everywhere. Charis and I stayed together. She kept asking me about my heart rate to compare to hers and then she'd inform me of our pace. Which I think was between 10 and 11 most of the time. She informed me later that she didn't stay with me on purpose and that I keep a good even pace. Our little cheering section was screaming and hollering and Matt was snapping pictures.

I couldn't find the water stop as we were coming into T1 and I was still trying to decide on whether or not to wear my jacket. I didn't wear it for the run, but it was chilly and I knew the wind was going to be harder on the bike. I decided against it, and my transition was pretty quick. Helmet, gloves, tuck away the ear buds. Charis told me not to wait on her and I told her I wouldn't. I knew she'd pass me anyway. And she did pass me at about the 1 mile mark. I told her to “GO, GO, GO!” I pushed pretty hard to about mile 4 and passed several people. I realized that the hills we were going down we'd have to go back up on the way back! I just didn't know how my legs would hold up. I didn't want them to not want to run! I kept 1 eye on my heart rate monitor and tried to gauge more by that, knowing that my legs are pretty resilient. I did the best I could to manage the gears and the hills and accepted that I'm going to have to get a lot more practice with this bike thing. I know I can do better. I was happy with how I was doing when I came to the turn around and then-the wind hit me. It was fierce!! I was so glad that I had my sunglasses on. Even with them my eyes were tearing up! Then I realized the item I forgot...chapstick. I put that on my mental checklist for next time.

Yep, I'm still thinking I want to do this again!

I was able to get some water, then I dropped my water bottle and had to retrieve that. The wind didn't help! A couple miles later I felt a tugging start at my ankle. My shoelace was wrapping around the pedal!! Immediately my mind went to how to get the bike stopped without falling over and which foot would have to do what. I got stopped safely and out of the way. Then I had to figure out how to get detached from the bike! I backed it up enough to loosen the lace to get my foot out and unwind the rest of the lace. I'm not sure how long that took me! Then I had to get the shoe back on. I did it and I stayed calm. I even passed a few people on my 7 mile trip back. Of course, I lost track of how many people passed me by during the shoelace debacle!

I could see my cheerleaders jumping up and down screaming for me and waved for Matt's picture. I came in to T2 thinking, “Great, just 3 more miles to go!” I felt pretty good. I dropped everything off and downed half of one of those gel things and some water. I pulled my earbuds out of hiding and off I went!

 Headed out of T2...yes, that's my muscle.

My legs felt like wood for about a mile. I just kept going. I remembered reading about that. After they loosened up I felt like I could just keep running. I saw a lot of people walking. I passed Charis coming the other way at about mile 1, so she was a good mile ahead of me. At the 1.5 mile mark I walked about 4 steps to drink whatever it was they were handing us.

I ran and ran and ran and I LOVED IT! It felt so good. At that point I knew I was going to make it to the end-no problem.

I kept thinking about how hard I'd worked for this. I began thanking God for His healing in my life, for my freedom and my good health and for partnering with me in this desire. I thanked Him for Charis (and Matt), Paula, and the Homfit guys.

Then the finish line came in sight and there were my girls and Charis holding out their hands to me as I went by. I crossed the finish line and my girls gave me huge hugs. Charis did too! The time on the clock said 1:58 even...and I can't believe how confident I am that I can do better next time! Matt got more pictures and we drank lots of water and had snacks and stretched. I drank my shake. We packed up our stuff and we watched the awards while enjoying the beautiful, though windy, weather.

My cheerleaders and me!

Kirstin (friend first, nanny second!), Abigail, Me and Lydia.

I just kept thinking, “I did it, I really did it! That's awesome! I've gotten this far...I've got to keep going! This was an unknown, I can make it through more unknowns.”

We headed home and I certainly felt grungy by the time I got there. I looked at that number on my arm and my hand while I stood in the shower. I couldn't make myself scrub it off! There will be more numbers. Just this once I wanted to hang on to it, to savor it for 1 more day and be reminded. If God and I could do this-what else could we do?

Food: what, how, when?

I found that I was eating all the time! These are the things I found through trial and error with instruction from my trainers that have been most successful for me...

1) I try to follow the 30/30/40 rule. The total day's calorie intake should be 30% protein, 30% fat, and 40% carbohydrates.  I don't stress out about every last thing on the label, but some people need to watch for specific sensitivities. I find that if it falls into this ratio it's a fairly healthy option. If I eat any bars (they can be handy!) I try to be sure that they fall most to the protein side. It's really difficult to get that protein in so I try to pack it in wherever I can. My latest protein snack choice - tuna! Thanks, Paul.

I have just now begun counting calories! I have 15 lbs to go to reach my high weight goal of 165 lbs. I still keep the ratio in mind, all calories are not created equal and our body needs nutritional balance to function optimally!

2) I plan what I will eat and when! Seriously. First thing in the morning I look at my day and plan what I have time to eat and when. I WRITE IT DOWN in my food log! Then as the day goes on if I have to make adjustments I note the changes in the log. I eat something every 3 hours. It keeps my blood sugar levels nice and even and keeps me from being ambushed by a hungry binge at any point during the day and that gives me time to be conscious about my choices.

3) I got in the habit of taking a healthy snack and my water bottle along every time I left the house. I won't be caught out somewhere without excellent quick options. I encouraged my daughters to take ownership of their own water and snacks as well. Apples, almonds or baby carrots have been the most efficient options though I'll sometimes wedge the apple and have peanut butter with it if I'm in the mood!

4) If I'm at a social event where there is food, I eat it! Most of the time I eat small servings of whatever is being served and I enjoy it. Sometimes I indulge a little more, but I've usually planned for it within my week of eating if I do. I DO NOT deprive myself of foods I enjoy. I DO NOT diet. I've armed myself with information that gives me a balanced perspective on food's purpose in my life. With God's strength I moderate my intake and exposure to them and rejoice in the blessing of a healthy body that allows me to feel vibrant and serve Him well! How can we feel deprived when we put each element of our life in a place of priority that honors Him above all else when that is truly the desire of our heart? It's still a daily surrender for me...I have to examine myself and be honest with myself and the Lord about what I really want, period.

What do I want? The truest redeemed heart of me wants to honor and glorify God with my life, but there are days I don't successfully step forward from that place! As I've been on this journey I recognize that I need to continually examine this area and others for misconceptions and lies I believe that keep me from walking as closely with Him as I desire and from going the places He has for me to go.

One day, one of my HOMFIT trainers encouraged me to "Embrace the Athlete" and that took me somewhere I'd only dreamed of going...

Food

Food

I can see you clearly now.

The comfort and escape you provide is temporary.

You can not provide friendship or love.

And after you're gone, the challenging beauty of my life is still here.

I long to be held.

And even when you're present,

You can't hold me.

In the quiet,

You try to tell me you'll make it all better.

But you don't.

That I deserve you.

But I know

That I was made for more.

Stop lying to me.

I refuse to believe you any more.

It is in Christ that I live and move and have my being.

When I am overwhelmed I will run into Him.

My Strong Tower.

He will hold me and provide an escape.

When I am lonely,

I will let the tears fall 

And He will wipe them away.

When I am angry,

I will yell at Him.

He can take it.

When I am overwhelmed and feel abandoned.

I will remember, He will remind me,

That I am not!

I will cling to Him with every fiber of me.

The fullness He brings.

The joy, the hope.

I will no longer accept the counterfeit moments you offer.

They are like ash in my mouth.
I know the truth.

It will set me free.

Breakthrough Moment!

I had been working with the HOMFIT guys 3 times a week for about 3 weeks.  I was very conscious about how I was carrying myself.  I knew now how my posture was supposed to be.  I started getting comments again about how good I looked and I could see some changes in my body.  My face started clearing up.


At the same time, I felt really conspicuous.  I was almost uneasy with myself and I felt like I needed to hide.


I did talk with my trainers about it.  Just looking for some direction to figure out if this was a physical/emotional thing larger people deal with or if it was a Jesaca is a serious mental case sort of thing!  Trying to describe it outside of my head was difficult.  It felt silly to try to put language to what I was feeling.  One of them was able to put his finger on a perfect description.  He said, “Are you feeling a little vulnerable-maybe fear based?”  That was exactly it!  So, what was going on?  I didn’t want this to get in my way!


Now, I don't want to discount the time of year it was.


Four years previous, on October 15th, I left my husband of 10 years.  That time was both the most stressful and most freeing of my life.  It was stressful because I didn’t know how he’d react to the girls and I leaving, if he’d come after us-I felt like I was always checking behind me.  Freeing because, as days ticked by, it was a surreal experience to feel the relief of freedom rushing into my emotional lungs.  I had not realized just how strangled I’d felt. I also grieved my lack of control to provide “home” for my girls. How would I provide for us? I could not make him get the help he needed. Two months after I left he killed himself.  The funeral was about a week and a half before Christmas.  I remember very vividly the conversation I had with my parents just a day or 2 before the funeral.

I had been expressing my grief-filled guilt. I had left. What if there was something, anything else I could have done. They explained to me that the detectives on the scene had pulled them aside after they had interviewed me.  “Folks,” they told my parents, “You’ve got one lucky girl over there.  We’ve seen this before.  She was wise to leave when she did.  You could very well be preparing to bury 4 today.”  They went on to explain what they had found and how calculating he had been, what his profile revealed about what he was capable of.

I don’t want that chapter of my life to drive me.  While I continue to deal with all of this and my life is so beautiful now, I never dismiss the part it might play in my reactions to any number of things when that time of year comes around! 

I talked, laughed and cried actually, with a girlfriend about what was going on with my thoughts and emotions.  I was honest.  Brutally.  Pouring out all the stuff I was feeling and feared and concerned about.  What if people thought I was working so hard just to attract a man-I’m not!  (She assured me she didn’t and no one else would)  However, I was feeling more attractive, that made me feel stupid and awkward-I didn’t know where to put that emotional stuff!  And for pete’s sake, what if someone was attracted to me?!  What would I do with that?  The thought both enthralled and terrified me!  The financial news was difficult to hear every day.  My husband had been obsessed with the markets and that brought all of the icky feelings back up. I confessed I was really distressed that if my own financial situation became desperate (and it’s not!) I would end up counting on a man for the sake of some imagined security.  "Well," she assured me, “while you may have moments that you feel desperate, you are not a desperate person.”  She reminded me what time of year it was too and that I was very likely tired because I’d been working so hard.  She reminded me of how far I've come.  She was an incredible listener and a great comforter, but I still didn’t have the answers I needed about the emotional turmoil going on inside me.

Then it happened, the self-sabotage fiend struck again.  I found myself madly ripping through my kitchen cupboards about to eat everything I didn’t want to eat.  I was reaching for a box of crackers all the while knowing I wasn’t hungry at all. It wasn't the first time in my life I’d wrestled with this. It seemed to happen each time I'd lose a noticeable amount of weight.

My hand didn’t make it to the box. All of the noisy clutter in my mind faded as I focused on being present instead of zoning out and asking myself why I was doing this.


I heard him clearly, the silver tongued serpent who continues to come against me.  “You know how to be a fat girl.  That’s safe, just be a fat girl, you don’t know how to be anything else...” 


What?!!  Did I seriously believe that?  I know in my head that’s not true!  I rebuked the monster with the scripture that poured from my spirit violently, “It is in God that I live and move and have my being (Acts 17:28), not in being a fat girl!  He loves and desires the real me.  The real me isn’t ‘fat girl’!” You should have seen my daughters come running as I stood in my kitchen loudly rebuking the unseen enemy.


Then I asked the Lord to give me wisdom and ammunition to fight in this specific area of my life.  When did I first believe these lies and why had I continued to believe them? How would I live and walk out the Truth?

The answers came just days later.

I was running, of course.  I was turning over in my mind what had happened in the kitchen.  I was petitioning God to equip me.  He was the one that told me He wanted me to be stronger in the first place!

I thought back as far as I could remember and moments from my past just started rushing up at me.

As I was growing up my parents were adamant that we not be vain. Spending more than 5 minutes in front of the mirror was frowned upon. Any thought or attention given to self was shameful. I developed more quickly than the other girls and always had a larger frame than they did. Looking back I know I was a healthy size, but I felt huge. When we went through the bags of clothes that people passed on to us, there was rarely something that would fit me. It seemed I was bigger than everyone. I wasn’t allowed to continue to be involved in sports as I got older because the uniforms were too revealing. We were supposed to look like girls and behave like girls and dress like girls (we wore a lot of skirts), but we weren't to pay much attention to or take delight in all of the outward things about being "girly". That just added to my self-consciousness. I got the message that feeling or being attractive would hurt me somehow.

After high school I moved out on my own and was on the road to figuring out who I was when I met my future husband. I thought that being married would be a safe place and I wouldn’t have to worry about how I felt about myself.  Someone would accept me and that would be that. I didn’t examine very closely what qualities I might find desirable in a man. Perhaps I felt that was placing too much emphasis on myself.  If someone chose me I felt I should be grateful. I chose to believe the lie that someone else could tell me who I was-that I could find my identity in him. By the time we married I was about 20 lbs overweight. As the years went by my weight just crept up and up.  From the beginning my husband didn’t have a healthy interest in touching me (I now know this wasn’t my problem) and this further compounded my shame-based body image. He was very controlling. In a twisted way, my weight was the one thing he couldn’t control. That just added complexity to my image issues. At one time, during my marriage, when I had lost a substantial amount of weight, I was forced to fend off the unwanted advances of a man I worked with and endure his threats after I turned him in. I unconsciously bought the lie that my size was protecting me.

I added layers of fat while trying to numb and hide myself. To not feel the hurt, rejection, and condemnation of others and the punishing reality of my own choices.

Food didn't just provide comfort, it provided escape. Escape from facing all of the things around me that I had no control over and escape from facing the battle I would endure to change the things I could. "Just leave it alone" the enemy whispered repeatedly, "what you have is about as good as it's going to get anyway." And I had believed him. I had protected myself by escaping from authentic, vibrant LIVING!

All that time I was fighting for an understanding of who I am and whose I am.

I now understand that the posture of living (like a fat girl) I had grown to believe protected me from being hurt or dealing with my own confusion was an illusion!  The emotional wrestling I was doing now was because I wasn't sure how to frame my attitude about my body and the changes in it and how it makes me different.

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2 NLT

People say it's the inside that counts, but we discount the fact that the inside changes when the outside does!! I was completely unprepared and ill-equipped for the battle within!

The Truth is still working on seeping into all the areas of my life.  I have accepted the grace and freedom to run with abandon toward who God has long been calling me to be. That’s what has brought me to where I am now. Is it o.k. for me to feel more confident? Is it o.k for me to enjoy who I’m becoming?  Is it o.k. for me to feel my own strength and enjoy it?  Is it o.k. to run and enjoy how it makes me feel? Is it o.k. to curl my hair and wear make-up and pay attention to what I wear? What will I do if I’m attracted to someone or they are attracted to me?

And if I ask those questions, I have to find somewhere in my emotional framework to put the answers!

Just as weighty resistance is building strength in my body, resistance against the way I used to think continues to build a strong foundation for a healthy exercise of the emotions I’m experiencing now. I understand that it will take concentration on form too. I can’t just place the emotions where they’re most comfortable, unfortunately, because the lies have been providing the answers to my questions all these years and have disguised my path to real living. Fortunately, I have help! There are several others in my life to walk, run and climb with me. Not only that, I can take these questions about myself to the One who made me and trust my heart with Him. He can transform my mind in this area with His truth, the same way He has in other areas. At moments I may feel awkward and exposed, but I want the abundant life He has for me badly enough to risk that. I’m pressing toward the mark.

Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified. I Corinthians 9:24-27 NLT

And I am not just shadowboxing!!

The 5k

 My girls and I celebrating my birthday at Benihana. I weighed about 220lbs.

April gave way to May and around the same time I celebrated my 36^th birthday I gave myself an ipod and I took my running outside!  It was an interesting new challenge.  I don’t think a day went by for a long time without thinking, as I stepped outside, “I can’t believe I’m doing this, is this really me?  Who am I?  Has this always been here or is this new? Hey! I’m a runner!!”

During June, I continued to pray and praise and thank God that I was healthy enough to be enjoying this new adventure.

I began to read Never Say Diet by Chantel Hobbs. God dropped it in my lap at just the right time. I don’t remember what moved me to purchase that exact book, but I remember seeking it our specifically. I read the first half of the book in one day!

Chantal’s philosophy about “brain change” was instrumental in the next part of my journey - conquering my attitudes about food. The key piece of wisdom she offered was to concentrate on getting good nutrition/fuel into your body first. I didn’t worry about eliminating anything from my diet right away, but I did begin to prioritize getting everything that my body needed before I ate the stuff I didn’t!!

I would tell myself, “Jesaca, you can eat cookies AFTER you finish your salad!” And I did!

I wasn’t losing any more weight, but I wasn’t gaining. I prioritized getting my rest too. That was also a key to turning the corner toward success. I would drop anything I was doing at 9pm and go to bed.

Sometime during June I remember praying about the whole “being a strong woman” thing. Seriously, people tell me that all the time. “You’re so strong and confident! I could never do the things you do. Jesaca, you’re so inspiring!”, they say. It’s difficult for me to see what others see. I had run a practice 5k with Jennifer and was really excited about it. “O.k., God,” I told Him. “I’m having a moment when I really believe what everyone tells me. What you tell me in your Word. You’ve created me to be a strong woman and I’m going to embrace and accept that.”  The Holy Spirit pressed on me immediately. “My child, I want you to be stronger!” Well. Hmmmm. “God you’re going to have to show me what that looks like!”

Well, He began to show me.

In July I ran that 5k with Jennifer! I made my goal to do it in less than 45 minutes. I wasn’t last either! I had already been contemplating what I needed to focus on after that 5k was done. I didn’t want to lose my momentum.

July turned to August and I got serious during my prayer time. “What am I going to do, God, to keep going, to get stronger?” God asked me, “If you could do anything, anything at all, nothing to hold you back, what would you choose to do?” 

Out it came from a blossoming, courageous place, the daring, adventurous answer of my heart. “A triathlon, I really want to do a triathlon!”

And God said, “Yes.”

Focus...The Journey Continues

Some time in February, I visited Dr. Spencer and discovered that my thyroid was low and we began working to get it within the normal range.

The cleanse had ended and I still wasn’t always eating the best, but better than I did before. However, as the hustle and bustle of the spring began I found myself distracted and anxious. This had happened before (and it would happen again…). Whenever I began to drop weight beyond the 20 pound mark it seemed to become a problem. I began eating everything in sight. It didn’t even taste good! Graham crackers with frosting, stale chips, crackers, cold leftovers and I couldn’t stop. I determinedly continued to get on the treadmill.

February gave way to March.

One day after I had eaten myself sick, I was so desperate for answers I called my dad. Yes, that kind of desperate! After asking him to “put on his compassionate hat”, (my dad needs to be reminded of this sometimes!) Through my sobs, I explained my problem and asked for some insight. My dad knew me and loved me. Maybe he understood why I did this to myself. His advice to me was that I should put some things in place to help me maintain my focus on what it is that I want. In this case that was to be well and fit. After speaking to him I continued to pray that God would help me get a handle on this area of my life, that He would equip me with the knowledge I needed to achieve my goal.

By now I was running for at least 20 minutes a day.

Well, isn’t it interesting that about the beginning of April my friend Jennifer discovered that I had started running? She was almost giddy with excitement! Jennifer was training for a half-marathon and began lobbying for me to do a 5k with her. I wasn’t sure. That meant people would SEE me run. I didn’t know if I could do that. It’s one thing to enjoy my endeavors at home, quite another to have others witness them!

I thought about it for around a month and after remembering the conversation with my dad I decided to do it.

Focus. Hopefully training for that 5k would grant me some.