After...

Well, the Trek Women's Triathlon race of July 2009 was absolutely fantastic. I enjoyed the whole thing.

Others have asked me, my trainer, Paul, has asked me, "What was the worst part of the race?"

Had to think on that. Really. There was no worst part. There have been several races since and there has yet to be a worst part. There are some moments that I may think, "This is getting a little difficult. C'mon girl. Go. GO!" Those moments are immediately followed by, "I can't believe I GET to do this! It's a challenge and I'm meeting it. I was a fat girl. God is good. God is faithful. I trained for this. I can do it! He is restoring the years the locust has eaten. I'm going to accept all He has for me and praise Him!"

Few have, however, asked about after.

I was ill-prepared for what happened to me after the race. It can be a difficult thing to explain so please bear with me.

After the smiles and tears of a VERY successful finish, I found myself quite sad! The transition area was emptying. Charis had just gotten a new phone and was busy texting away with well wishers from all over. The folks I tried to call didn't answer or had to go right away. She had a friend there and a sister and her family and I started feeling very alone.

This was very frustrating to me because I knew I'd be "on my own" with this. On a heart level I was prepared for it to be just God and I. He's who I did it for. And I KNEW He was with me, but the enemy was relentless. I tried to enjoy our celebration lunch out-complete with turtle sundae! Still, I was overwhelmed with thoughts before we left to head home. How would I make it through the rest of my races on my own? There was no special someone for me to share this with. God had to be enough. He knew what this was to me. He alone really understood how deep the journey went for me. How precious the victory was. How impossible-made-possible by faith and obedience.

I got over that wave of sadness. Then, on the ride home, Charis' husband Matt, called with our results.

Five weeks before the race I was finishing 5k in under 30 minutes. Then I had the leg injury and I went easy on the leg during the race. My 5k run took 32 minutes. And, even though I finished the swim 8 minutes faster than I thought I would and finished the bike faster too, Charis' overall time was much closer to the ideal time I want to do a race in. She was screaming and flailing all over in the car, so happy with her results. My heart didn't seem to listen to the very logical fact that I didn't have a road bike and that I pretty much went as fast as you can go on a hybrid on my bike. It didn't hear that I had done fantastic on the run after not having run for 5 weeks! I was so disappointed. Then mad at myself for being disappointed!

How could I be so ungrateful? I had done what I set out to do with God's help and finished the race. I was a triathlete!

I still don't have it all figured out! I'm not done growing in this experience. Even now, almost a year later, I have an aversion to being compared in some way to others. During a race I just zone in and do my own thing for the most part. But in a training or a practice where time is being kept and I'm aware of how I do compared to others - I FREAK OUT!! It's weird. It's like my brain demands that I refuse to compete.

As an example, during master's swim I would become so frustrated that I was so much slower than everyone else (this is not an exaggeration, I am always the slowest!) I couldn't relax enough to learn! I'd also stop bother trying to do well because I figured I'd never measure up anyway, I was so far behind, why bother? I quit going for 3 months! Now I get in and do my own thing. I have to tell myself that it's my race and no one else matters in my race.

This I do know: God's walking with me in this! That moment after the race, and several since, led me into a deeper examining of things I don't like about myself. I'm exploring His grace and the self-discipline I apply to my spiritual walk. He loves me and continues to show me that He does!

For the past many months I have beaten up and berated myself for my inability to just not care about how I do! How can I be so petty? Why do I care so much?! During one race, as I dropped back from pushing myself, I recognized that I feared my best wouldn't be good enough. How often had I sabatoged my life by not trying my best because I feared it wouldn't be good enough? That I would be compared and found wanting...On three separate occasions I contemplated quitting altogether so that I wouldn't have to deal with the conflict within myself. Each time God rescued me from that place! The best of who I am is how God can minister the fullness of abundant living to me! Of course the enemy wants to do anything and everything to keep me from that place!!

The two very specific things God's shown me so far:

The first, I am an incredible, unique individual. He created me to be exactly who I am. My mind, body and spirit and connections between them are unlike anyone else on earth. I said unlike, as in different, not better, just different! (Thank you, Becky Patton!) The strengths and weaknesses I have in body and in spirit can not be compared to anothers. I have to look to the Lord to address, manage, cultivate and cure them. I can not follow the formula of another persons life or ideas to "achieve" in any area of life. I have the privilege of Scripture study and wise counsel in my life, but ultimately God and I, my faithwalk in fellowship with Him, is what continuously proclaims victory in my life.

This dovetails to the second thing He's shown me, I will win, in my own life, every moment, every challenge, every trial, every race that I run with God. No one can come against the victorious living I do in my Saviour. If this is something He has for me to do-I intend to do it, by His strength and in His grace. Even if I'm the last one accross that line!

It's Here!! It's Finally Here!!!

JULY 2009


Well, race day zoomed up on us! We had finished our tri-prep class. I was soooo glad I took it. The class had covered all the basic parts of the race and a lot more. I felt prepared. I was about to learn if I was!

Charis and I enjoyed our 6 hour drive to Pleasant Prairie, WI.

We're ready!

From my journal:

The expo the day before the race was so fun. Charis and I have to wait for our shirts because they didn’t have any left in our sizes. They marked both of our arms with our numbers and we got our timing chips. We looked at fun sports products and grabbed lots of free goodies. We listened to an inspirational speaker and course overview. We examined the beach where we’d be starting and put our feet in the water. We went out for a pasta dinner and drove the bike course. We were ready.

We knew the weather the next day was going to be great. It was hard to get to sleep the night before, that’s for sure! My phone alarm sounded way too soon-3:45am. The transition area would be opening at 4:30 and our plan was to be there at 5:30. All of my gear was laid out the night before so all I had to do was go through the pile of stuff to get ready and make the breakfast. Heart rate monitor, contacts-that’s right, I was going to put an extra set of contacts in my transition bag! I loved putting on that tri suit-it made everything very real.

Well, I had to figure out what to do with my hair too. Why did I grow it long again? No matter how I did it, it was sure to be a mess when I was done. I just wanted to keep it out of my face. I figured out something that I hoped would work and still fit under the bike helmet.

Breakfast. Double protein smoothie and oatmeal. Fill my water bottle to rinse my feet after the swim. Fill my water bottle for my bike with Gatorade. Fill my other water bottle. Pray they have enough port-a-potties at the race! I grabbed all my stuff and we were pretty much on schedule. Charis gathered the food we were planning to eat between the closing of the transition area at 6:30 and our swim wave which would be no sooner than 8:20!

Even with all of the detours for construction and closed roads for the race we made good time to the off-site parking. We just needed to pull our bikes off the van and pump up the tires and we’d be good to go-plenty of time. Except Charis had some trouble with the bike pump! We got enough air in her tires to make it the 2 miles we needed to go-we hoped-and off we went.

We made it to the race site at about 6:05. Instead of the hour we had planned, we had 25 minutes to set up and get out! Charis headed straight to the bike mechanic and I went to rack my bike. There was no room. The bikes were packed in with about 2-3 inches between each one. Wow. With 3200 women registered for the event, we saw this could be a problem the day before as we looked over the sea of already racked bikes, and asked about our options. I grabbed the next rack closest to the one I was assigned and racked my bike.

About 15 minutes later, as I was setting up my gear, I saw Charis one rack over. The bike mechanic pumped up her tires and assured her that the tube would be fine. We were both relieved! Then she walked over with this mournful look on her face. “Jesaca, I’m so sorry. I forgot the food.” Gulp. I couldn’t believe what came out of my mouth! I’m typically NOT a calm-under-pressure-girl…“You know what? It’s o.k. We’ll be o.k. We’ve been preparing for this for a long time. We’re ready. We’ve hydrated well all week. We’ve been eating well for weeks. We’ve trained well. Our bodies will do whatever we ask them to do today!” We scrounged what we could and prepared to leave the transition area with everyone else. We headed to the pottys right near the transition area and got in line. The line wasn’t too bad. We knew we had plenty of time.

As we headed toward the beach we decided to watch the elite wave of 11 women take off at 7:00. We had a super view off the side of the lake. It was a straight across swim. The first woman came out of the water after her half-mile swim in under 9 minutes! Wow!

 

 I love those pink goggles!!

Charis was watching for her sister, Bethany, to maybe show up and take some pictures of us. We figured after we saw the line for the port-a-pottys that we should get in it! It took 50 minutes to make it through the line. We worked on stretching while we were in it! Then we hit the water to warm up a bit. We cheered on the gals from previous waves who were headed to the finish line on their runs! Then we started to join all of the yellow caps that were headed into the corral on the beach. It was almost time!

As we were standing there, Bethany found us and began snapping pictures. Then we were crossing the timing mat. We were cheering and dancing to the loud music and then we were counting down. I gave Charis a big hug and punched my watch stem and off we went!

I remembered to stay calm. I just kept swimming and sighting and bumping into other gals who would stop and say they were sorry. It didn’t seem like many of them were really swimming, they mostly had their heads above the water and I totally get that! I only learned how to swim in October and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But after a while, as I would turn my head to breathe, I noticed an odd look on the faces of the gals I could see. When it dawned on me that it was a look of admiration I wanted to cry! “Yes,” I thought, “I’m really swimming! I can swim and you can learn how too and you should!” I really hit a groove and was so comfortable so I started pushing for a little more speed, trying to pace myself and remember to rest my legs-they had a long ways to go yet. When I realized I was more than half way I got so excited. I thought, “I’m going to do this, I’m really going to do this! I don’t think it’s taking me the 30 minutes that I thought it would! I have prepared for this!” Then I could see the lake bottom getting closer to me and I wanted to scream. I came out of that water as fast as I could.

 Thanks, Bethany, for all of the wonderful pics!!

I started running and yanking on the zipper of my wetsuit. (Yes, I really wore a wetsuit!) I saw the timing mat under my feet and I yanked my wetsuit down to my waist. As I began the long run through the transition area I grabbed my goggles and swim cap off my head. I ran straight to my bike, thank goodness, and looked at my watch. What?!? 22 minutes!!! I began pulling off my wetsuit and looked over. There was Charis! We waved excitedly at each other and she was off!

The transition was a little scrambly for me. I was worried I’d forget something! I was pumped to get on the bike, I knew I was already ahead of time!

3,000 bikes!

As I headed off with my bike, I was a little confused, no one else seemed in much of a hurry. I scooted over another timing mat and tried to move through the group of women that were starting out on their bikes. It was so disorienting. No one seemed to be in a hurry! I was thinking, “Is it supposed to be like this?” Women were taking up the entire lane 3 and 4 wide and moseying along at a leisurely pace. A woman in front of me ran over a cone and almost wiped out while she was waving to her family! At that point I started hollering… “Coming through! On your left! On your left! On your left!” I was as polite as I could be as I started trying to ramp up my speed until I finally left the driveway of the recplex and moved onto the road that was closed to traffic for us. I began screaming by everyone on my bike. Even up the first several hills! Charis and I had started off in the buddy wave. I wonder if that’s why so many gals were 2 and 3 wide on the roadway chatting like they had all the time in the world. Good for them. I’m glad they got together to do this fun triathlon thing. It’s good exercise. There were lots of people at the expo yesterday. Were you gals not there? You’re supposed to stay to the right. “On your leeeeffft!!!!” Could you just maybe stay out of my way? Thanks!

I was really pleased with how well I maneuvered on the hills. Once again I thought about how much I had prepared for this and I was so glad I had. I wished I knew my average speed. I knew I was in the 16 range a lot and I didn’t seem to drop below 11 on the hills. I knew I hit 26 at one point, but it was hard to tell overall! When I got the official results I was really shocked! My average on my hybrid was 17 mph, which my trainer, Mark, assures me is kickin’ for my bike! My time for the bike leg was 8 minutes less than I guessed it would be!

I came in off of the bike trying to be careful of the moseyers! I downed a gel pack and some water and headed out on the run. Now would come the challenge.

 Lookin' a little fierce, that's me!!!

Five weeks ago I was doing 5k in just under 30 minutes. Not really fast, but incredible for me! But for the last 5 weeks, I hadn’t been able to run much more than 2 minutes at a time because I was having trouble with my lower left leg after ramping up my intensity without wearing my orthotics for 2 ½ months. I had resigned myself to the idea that I might need to walk the run leg of the race. Just 4 days before the race I was finally able to run for more than 20 minutes and I cried with relief. I wanted to do this pretty badly!

I felt pretty good heading out. I knew my leg was warmed up well too, though they both felt wooden for about the first mile. I clipped along checking my heart rate every so often. It was hard to know just how much to push my leg. I know I can run comfortably with my heart rate, in race conditions, at 168-171. I kept it at 165-166 to keep from pushing on my leg! My time for the run ended up being a little over 32 minutes. While I was disappointed, I know I can’t complain. Especially after Charis reminded me that I hadn’t really run for 5 weeks! I didn’t have an ipod either because they’re not allowed. (Though I saw numerous women wearing them anyway!) I walked 3 or 4 steps for water at the first water stop and then ran through a sprinkler. At the half way point they had a fire hose, which I ran through! I walked for some water again and couldn’t believe how great I felt, so I took it up a notch. I started to feel my leg, but it wasn’t too bad and I was almost to the finish! The closer I got to the finish line, the harder I pushed and it was difficult to move through the many people that were strolling to the finish! People were cheering and clapping and before I knew it I was crossing the timing mat!

Thank you, God! Thank you for seeing me through so much! Race day was mostly about celebrating the journey, for me. I did it! I really did it! That had to be one of the best feelings of my life. Charis was there and we grabbed each other and just cried. We’re such girls!! She had held her finishers medal to put around my neck and I did the same for her. What an incredible moment!!! What an awesome day. An ordained journey. According to Sally Edwards, I can now say, “I am an invincible triathlete!”

I think this one says it all.

Incredibly, I had completed my goal to do a triathlon! It had been less than one year since I had partnered with the Lord to pursue it. The journey had been about so much more than that one race! God used it to cultivate strength in my body, mind and spirit. I discovered so much about who I am, who He is and how He loves me and what He wants for my life. I'm sure I sound silly when I describe triathlon as a spiritual experience. I know it's not the triathlon that is. It's my life. Triathlon is a gift that allowed me to more fully embrace my life and the wholeness of who God created me to be. And I'm deeply grateful for His mercy and grace!

Cannon Falls Du

But before I get to that incredible birthday gift from God, I have to tell you about my first duathlon experience!

I had already done a 5k in April. I came in about 10 minutes faster than my original 5k time the previous July!

I was excited about the Duathlon the first weekend in May. I knew that I was as ready as I could be. Here's my journal entry about that day....

Charis and I setting up our transition areas.

As I fell asleep on Friday night I remember thinking, “God has this all under control. No matter what happens tomorrow, I'll have done what He asked me to do and I need to rest in that!” After 3 nights of not sleeping well at all, I finally slept a solid 7 hours before the duathlon. I woke up thanking God that after all I've been through in my life I'm still healthy enough and my body still works well enough to pursue this endeavor. I thanked Him for creating me to be who I am and for granting me this opportunity. I reminded myself that I really do want to live for Him like I'm jumping off a cliff and envisioned what that looked like today. If I messed this up, He was gonna catch me anyway.

I ate two eggs on a tortilla for breakfast with some yogurt and a sprinkle of granola on the side. I made a shake to take along if I'd need it later and the blender broke up just as it finished blending. Seriously, the little spinning mechanism completely disintegrated- fortunately that part wasn't in the shake!

I put my bike and gear in the car and Kirstin and the girls too and off we went.

I followed Matt and Charis and it was nice to not have to think about how to get there. Besides, I had to continue to concentrate on relaxing and remembering to breathe!

 

I remember pulling into Cannon Falls and feeling my stomach flip over. We turned a corner and I could see the orange cones along the street.

Abigail and Lydia started to chatter and ask tons of questions. I love it when kids ask questions. They are all framed in the context of their own world. “Are those cones for your race, mom?” Then we saw the fairgrounds and all of the banners and the transition area and people getting set up and everything became real. Kirstin started asking me questions that I couldn't answer and I had to ask her to just “go with it” today!

We had to pull over for a potty stop before we parked. It was going to be a bit of a hike back from the car and Charis and I had both been downing water since we left. Then we parked the cars and unloaded everything.

I reminded the girls that Kirstin was in charge and they needed to ask her any questions or tell her if they needed something-I would be unavailable! I handed her $20 and the car key, just in case, and told her to “just take care of the girls and enjoy the morning!”

As I put my bike back together and checked everything out I noticed that the front brake was sticking-again! I concentrated on relaxing and asked Matt if he could help me out-he is an engineer. Good grief! I prepared myself for changing a tire tube, but don't understand much about the brakes! Matt couldn't do much without a screwdriver, which we didn't have, so he explained how I could reach down and give it a little tug if I needed to. I had to plan to just avoid using the front brake. Super. That's the first thing I learned that day about what I need to work on!

We hiked everything down to the transition area and figured out what to do there. Well, as much as we could. Charis has this philosophy about just doing what everyone else does and she really looks like she lives flying by the seat of her pants (which is why she's so good for “must prepare for everything” me), but as she was laying everything out it looked like she knew exactly what she was doing and I said as much. She then informed me that she had watched a video the night before and thought about calling me about it, but she didn't want to freak me out.

Well, she was right.

Besides I didn't have much to lay out. My helmet and my gloves and figuring out what the most efficient way to point the bike was.

I pinned my number on my shirt. I got my ipod out and strapped all the cords where they needed to be. Charis was looking around and I heard her say, “Good, we aren't the only ones with ipods...” We checked in and they wrote our numbers on our hand and arm! We were official! We proceeded to potty stop again, warm-up, stretch some and take off our long pants and jackets. They had this little briefing about the course. Why do they do that to me. The few events I've done they say you are responsible to know the course. It just adds to my anxiety. I don't ever feel like I know where to go or turn or not turn. Didn't understand this time either.

We're official!

We headed over to the start line. Charis asked if we wanted to stay together. I assured her I didn't want to hold her back. I think we run pretty even, but I knew she'd smoke me on the bike. As I stood there waiting I thought, “I'm doing this and there's no one to tell me I can't and it's o.k. for me to do it just for me, just because I can. Thank you God!” I seriously almost started crying. Then we were off.

That first 2 mile run was easy and fun. I wasn't thrilled about the little potholes everywhere. Charis and I stayed together. She kept asking me about my heart rate to compare to hers and then she'd inform me of our pace. Which I think was between 10 and 11 most of the time. She informed me later that she didn't stay with me on purpose and that I keep a good even pace. Our little cheering section was screaming and hollering and Matt was snapping pictures.

I couldn't find the water stop as we were coming into T1 and I was still trying to decide on whether or not to wear my jacket. I didn't wear it for the run, but it was chilly and I knew the wind was going to be harder on the bike. I decided against it, and my transition was pretty quick. Helmet, gloves, tuck away the ear buds. Charis told me not to wait on her and I told her I wouldn't. I knew she'd pass me anyway. And she did pass me at about the 1 mile mark. I told her to “GO, GO, GO!” I pushed pretty hard to about mile 4 and passed several people. I realized that the hills we were going down we'd have to go back up on the way back! I just didn't know how my legs would hold up. I didn't want them to not want to run! I kept 1 eye on my heart rate monitor and tried to gauge more by that, knowing that my legs are pretty resilient. I did the best I could to manage the gears and the hills and accepted that I'm going to have to get a lot more practice with this bike thing. I know I can do better. I was happy with how I was doing when I came to the turn around and then-the wind hit me. It was fierce!! I was so glad that I had my sunglasses on. Even with them my eyes were tearing up! Then I realized the item I forgot...chapstick. I put that on my mental checklist for next time.

Yep, I'm still thinking I want to do this again!

I was able to get some water, then I dropped my water bottle and had to retrieve that. The wind didn't help! A couple miles later I felt a tugging start at my ankle. My shoelace was wrapping around the pedal!! Immediately my mind went to how to get the bike stopped without falling over and which foot would have to do what. I got stopped safely and out of the way. Then I had to figure out how to get detached from the bike! I backed it up enough to loosen the lace to get my foot out and unwind the rest of the lace. I'm not sure how long that took me! Then I had to get the shoe back on. I did it and I stayed calm. I even passed a few people on my 7 mile trip back. Of course, I lost track of how many people passed me by during the shoelace debacle!

I could see my cheerleaders jumping up and down screaming for me and waved for Matt's picture. I came in to T2 thinking, “Great, just 3 more miles to go!” I felt pretty good. I dropped everything off and downed half of one of those gel things and some water. I pulled my earbuds out of hiding and off I went!

 Headed out of T2...yes, that's my muscle.

My legs felt like wood for about a mile. I just kept going. I remembered reading about that. After they loosened up I felt like I could just keep running. I saw a lot of people walking. I passed Charis coming the other way at about mile 1, so she was a good mile ahead of me. At the 1.5 mile mark I walked about 4 steps to drink whatever it was they were handing us.

I ran and ran and ran and I LOVED IT! It felt so good. At that point I knew I was going to make it to the end-no problem.

I kept thinking about how hard I'd worked for this. I began thanking God for His healing in my life, for my freedom and my good health and for partnering with me in this desire. I thanked Him for Charis (and Matt), Paula, and the Homfit guys.

Then the finish line came in sight and there were my girls and Charis holding out their hands to me as I went by. I crossed the finish line and my girls gave me huge hugs. Charis did too! The time on the clock said 1:58 even...and I can't believe how confident I am that I can do better next time! Matt got more pictures and we drank lots of water and had snacks and stretched. I drank my shake. We packed up our stuff and we watched the awards while enjoying the beautiful, though windy, weather.

My cheerleaders and me!

Kirstin (friend first, nanny second!), Abigail, Me and Lydia.

I just kept thinking, “I did it, I really did it! That's awesome! I've gotten this far...I've got to keep going! This was an unknown, I can make it through more unknowns.”

We headed home and I certainly felt grungy by the time I got there. I looked at that number on my arm and my hand while I stood in the shower. I couldn't make myself scrub it off! There will be more numbers. Just this once I wanted to hang on to it, to savor it for 1 more day and be reminded. If God and I could do this-what else could we do?

Vo2 Max??

The days moved through February and Charis and I enjoyed figuring out which races we really wanted to do.

We decided to do Run the Valley, 5k for me and 10k for her, in April.

I had been advised that a duathlon (run, bike, run) would be a good prep race for a triathlon. So we decided on the Cannon Falls duathlon in May because Cannon Falls is such a pretty area.

We were still debating which triathlons to register for. Yes, by this point I had decided more than one might be fun!

At the end of February I did a Vo2 Max test. That was kind of neat.

I met Mark at the fitness club where he works and he put this funky mask on me that had a tube with some wires plugged into a computer. Then I got on the treadmill and after a quick warm-up we started the test. Super fun how much attention that drew! For Pete's sake.

He started out ramping up the speed just a bit and then left it alone. Then he continued increasing the incline periodically until I thought I was going to die. Then he told me to hang on as long as I could before I jumped off! The whole test only took about 15 minutes, but it sure gave us a lot of information. I would recommend that anyone do it.

It gave me great information about my aerobic base (which was better than expected!) and my anaerobic threshold. I got a record of my personal heart rate zones (They were NOT in line with the generalized formula you can do). The results told me at what point I burn fat calories and how many in each heart rate zone. This test also gave me 12 weeks of specific heart rate training to improve my cardio performance. It served as an excellent tool as my training continued. When I re-tested eight months later the changes were pretty dramatic.

I couldn't believe that I continued to lose weight when I felt like I was eating ALL THE TIME...

Hair...

Now, I wouldn't exactly say that I'd completed a make-over.

I had a handful of outfits that fit well and had been enjoying playing with make-up for a while. But, I forgot to mention my hair.

My daughter has twice donated her hair for the Locks of Love program. She begged me more than two years ago to grow my hair out. "Please mom, I've never seen your hair long in person, only in pictures!" So, I began growing it out-for her. I figured I might save a little money on hair cuts too!

My hair was long all through my childhood (aside from a nasty tangle with head lice) and into my adult life. I fussed about my dad's rule that I wasn't allowed to cut it and would have liked to try other styles, but deep down I really enjoyed having my hair long. It was one of very few physical features that allowed me, in rare moments, to feel beautiful.

As I experienced more and more disillusionment in life (and my marriage) and I continued trying to numb myself, I cut off my long hair.

As with my size, I tried to use my hair to help me hide who I was. I felt so incredibly ashamed and inadequate to have people see me, notice me. Physically or otherwise.

That had begun to change.

God revealed to me about four years ago that the shame I experienced over certain areas in my life, (and my self-image was only one of those...) kept me in bondage in those areas of my life. I asked Him to show me those areas and determined that with His help I would bravely face anything I felt shamed by. After all I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

I'm not sure how it is for anyone else, but for me there has been just as much pain involved in losing weight as there was in gaining it in the first place. On the way up the scale I experienced the pain of the lies I bought and the decisions I made based on those lies and on the way down I've experienced the pain of constantly battling with the lies and fighting to keep my eyes on the TRUTH. Sure, it's a different kind of pain, but it's pain all the same. One sort is the pain of bondage and the other is the pain suffered when you're fighting to stand in the freedom from that bondage. Because, of course, Christ has already given it to me, but I forget!

It was the end of January and I weighed 206 pounds. I was feeling 42 pounds of freedom! (20 before HOMFIT, 26 after)

So, I scheduled a photo shoot!

People have asked me why I didn't wait until I'd lost all of the weight? There were two reasons. The first is that it was an exercise in refusing shame. Who likes to look at themselves in a picture? Did I achieve that perfectly? No. But I stepped into the challenge God called me to at that time in my life and that was a BIG DEAL. The second was that I just wanted to remember everything about that time. So much was happening in my life that had me pinching myself. Running, learning to swim, enjoying shopping for clothes, playing with my hair and make-up. I was beginning to feel vibrant and energetic. I just kept thinking, "I can't believe I get to do these things! Thank you, God!" I never wanted to forget where I was. The fighting and the freedom. The beauty.

My friend Rebekah is one of the most "free" women I know. She sees God's fingerprints everywhere and she used her camera to show me some of the beauty He's breathed on my spirit. I've lost more than 25 additional pounds since these pictures were taken, but looking at them still makes me cry.

Just look at that hair!

So, How Exactly is This Gonna Happen?

And I'll get to that in a minute. 

September quickly approached and the list I was creating of things to accomplish in order to pull off this triathlon thing was getting interesting.

1) Be able to run a 5k. Check.

2) Start biking. Check.

3) Begin to weight train so I would drop more weight. The scale hadn't budged since May.

4) Learn how to swim. Um, yeah. I could doggie paddle and float on my back, but that put your face in the water and breathe thing...no clue how to make THAT happen.

5) Get gear. No idea what I'd need. I'd read a book about running over the summer and figured I should get some running shoes at some point. I had no idea how to pick them out. I'd have to figure that out.

And a swimsuit. Oh joy. That got me really excited.

Charis and I had been talking about which triathlon we were going to do and I encountered my first serious hurdle. Now, I mentioned that she was much fitter than I. She had it in her head to do the Lifetime Triathlon.

Here's what I had in my head when she said that -um, NO!

I was thinking that one of the ALL-WOMEN triathlons I'd read about would be great. No men = no intimidation for me. Besides, these women only events seemed like they'd have such a friendly feel. They even have angel/noodle swimmers in the water to cheer you along if your struggling with the swim. Some have a designated last place finisher, so no one finishes last! That was my idea of a nice, comfortable triathlon experience.

I lucked out. Charis decided that the Lifetime Triathlon was a little spendy (and it is). We continued dialoging about exactly which one we'd do. We had time yet to register. And in the meantime, I continued to think about my list...

I started calling around about swimming lessons. I didn't know much about working with weights.

I started to do my research. When I say research, what I mean is, I began to Google.

Should I get some DVDs? I could. I was motivated enough to do this stuff on my own. But, as I thought about it I was really concerned about hurting myself. Considering my size and the fact that I'd never had much personal instruction with free weights I knew that my chances of injury might be greater than not. I wasn't convinced that I'd be the most efficient and accurate about form if I was getting my instruction from someone I couldn't interact with.

Well, o.k., maybe a health club then? Somewhere like Lifetime or the Y or LA Fitness. If I went there I'd have to pay the monthly fee and pay a trainer to get me going. I wasn't excited about maneuvering through the health club scene. I was really self-conscious about my body and lack of knowledge related to health and fitness. I didn't want to be bound to a health club forever either to stay in shape. I really wanted to know how to do what needed to be done at home, on my own. I wanted this to be a lifestyle change for a lifetime.

So, I looked into having a trainer come to my home. Whew. Yeah. Expensive. Any of the female trainers I found lived quite far from me too and would likely charge a fee for the drive. The website for one close enough to me looked a little too glossy, and tan. Yep, glossy and tan. You know exactly what I mean when I say that, don't you?! Was not and still am not aspiring to glossy and tan.

I looked into training gyms. I'd read about gyms where you go and you pay more of a premium to have a trainer available to work with you when you're there. None of the gyms I found had hours that would match my childcare and they were quite a distance from me too.

I kept thinking and praying on it.

I was on my way home from the chiropractor one day. As I headed down a major highway close to home I spotted it. A Honda Element with a logo on the window. HOMFIT. Wait a minute! I think I visited that website. I couldn't figure out what area they covered. They must come this far 'cause, well, here they are!

I went straight to the computer when I got home and sent them an email. I set up an appointment with Michael to come and pitch me their program. He came out to my house and he was really great, polite, professional. I knew that they would help me get where I wanted to go. So, I told him to sign me up with a female trainer 3 mornings a week. Here's the thing, they didn't have a female trainer available during the times I needed. But, they did have 2 different men that would be able to fill the spots. Mark could come on Mondays and Wednesdays and Paul could come on Fridays.

This is where things get interesting...

When I checked the website to send my email, I made sure that they had female trainers. I did NOT want to work out with a man!!! I stated my preference for a female trainer in my email. There are a variety of reasons for this. Beyond the obvious of not feeling exactly self-confident about my body and getting sweaty and gross in front of one, the thought of really interacting with a man on a regular basis genuinely scared me.

Here I was, 3 years out of an abusive marriage, I was getting pretty comfortable and confident about the "just me and God doing life togther" thing. I loved it actually. I did not relate to my single friends that desired relationships with men-at all-I sure didn't desire that! I still didn't trust my friends' husbands. Whenever a friend was helping me with something or we were out having fun I'd worry that she'd get in trouble when she went home. I just really had a hard time fathoming a relationship with a man that didn't involve a good deal of tip-toeing, pain and hurt. The presence of a man made me feel degraded, who wants that?

The thing is, something had happened over the summer.

I was sitting on my bed. I remember that it was a beautiful, sunshiney day and I was very happy. I had my Bible open in front of me and had been spending some wonderful time with the Lord. I felt restful and peaceful and I was very conscious of the movement of my heart. Out it came, "I don't need a man." 

Wow. The pricking of the Spirit came quickly on its heals! You see, this wasn't just an observatory thought. This was a proclamation that came from a haughty and insecure place. "What exactly are you saying, dear one? Do you know my plans for you? Is that an open-handed, surrendered thing to say? Don't make agreements with the enemy." Gently He said, "I alone know the plans I have for you." Gulp. Didn't I want what God wanted for my life? I did! What if that involved a man at some point? Gulp again. "Really, God, you could do that couldn't you? Could you heal me enough to bring me to that place? If that's what you have for me, Lord, I'm going to lay it down. I want to stay open to everything you have for me. Your plan for my life has been beautiful so far, help me to remember that."

But, if I had to interact with a man, my protective "you don't have to go there and think about the existence of men and how they can hurt you" bubble might burst.

So, not only would I not be getting a female trainer, but the man I'd already met wasn't available! The only option available was not just one man either, but two!

I told Michael I'd need to pray about it. I did pray about it-for a whole week. In the end, I remembered...

Whatever it takes.

 

Mark (left) and Paul (right) with me after the YWCA Women's Tri that took place 1 year after I determined to train for a triathlon. Yes, I look totally dorky! It was such an awesome day!

The 5k

 My girls and I celebrating my birthday at Benihana. I weighed about 220lbs.

April gave way to May and around the same time I celebrated my 36^th birthday I gave myself an ipod and I took my running outside!  It was an interesting new challenge.  I don’t think a day went by for a long time without thinking, as I stepped outside, “I can’t believe I’m doing this, is this really me?  Who am I?  Has this always been here or is this new? Hey! I’m a runner!!”

During June, I continued to pray and praise and thank God that I was healthy enough to be enjoying this new adventure.

I began to read Never Say Diet by Chantel Hobbs. God dropped it in my lap at just the right time. I don’t remember what moved me to purchase that exact book, but I remember seeking it our specifically. I read the first half of the book in one day!

Chantal’s philosophy about “brain change” was instrumental in the next part of my journey - conquering my attitudes about food. The key piece of wisdom she offered was to concentrate on getting good nutrition/fuel into your body first. I didn’t worry about eliminating anything from my diet right away, but I did begin to prioritize getting everything that my body needed before I ate the stuff I didn’t!!

I would tell myself, “Jesaca, you can eat cookies AFTER you finish your salad!” And I did!

I wasn’t losing any more weight, but I wasn’t gaining. I prioritized getting my rest too. That was also a key to turning the corner toward success. I would drop anything I was doing at 9pm and go to bed.

Sometime during June I remember praying about the whole “being a strong woman” thing. Seriously, people tell me that all the time. “You’re so strong and confident! I could never do the things you do. Jesaca, you’re so inspiring!”, they say. It’s difficult for me to see what others see. I had run a practice 5k with Jennifer and was really excited about it. “O.k., God,” I told Him. “I’m having a moment when I really believe what everyone tells me. What you tell me in your Word. You’ve created me to be a strong woman and I’m going to embrace and accept that.”  The Holy Spirit pressed on me immediately. “My child, I want you to be stronger!” Well. Hmmmm. “God you’re going to have to show me what that looks like!”

Well, He began to show me.

In July I ran that 5k with Jennifer! I made my goal to do it in less than 45 minutes. I wasn’t last either! I had already been contemplating what I needed to focus on after that 5k was done. I didn’t want to lose my momentum.

July turned to August and I got serious during my prayer time. “What am I going to do, God, to keep going, to get stronger?” God asked me, “If you could do anything, anything at all, nothing to hold you back, what would you choose to do?” 

Out it came from a blossoming, courageous place, the daring, adventurous answer of my heart. “A triathlon, I really want to do a triathlon!”

And God said, “Yes.”

Focus...The Journey Continues

Some time in February, I visited Dr. Spencer and discovered that my thyroid was low and we began working to get it within the normal range.

The cleanse had ended and I still wasn’t always eating the best, but better than I did before. However, as the hustle and bustle of the spring began I found myself distracted and anxious. This had happened before (and it would happen again…). Whenever I began to drop weight beyond the 20 pound mark it seemed to become a problem. I began eating everything in sight. It didn’t even taste good! Graham crackers with frosting, stale chips, crackers, cold leftovers and I couldn’t stop. I determinedly continued to get on the treadmill.

February gave way to March.

One day after I had eaten myself sick, I was so desperate for answers I called my dad. Yes, that kind of desperate! After asking him to “put on his compassionate hat”, (my dad needs to be reminded of this sometimes!) Through my sobs, I explained my problem and asked for some insight. My dad knew me and loved me. Maybe he understood why I did this to myself. His advice to me was that I should put some things in place to help me maintain my focus on what it is that I want. In this case that was to be well and fit. After speaking to him I continued to pray that God would help me get a handle on this area of my life, that He would equip me with the knowledge I needed to achieve my goal.

By now I was running for at least 20 minutes a day.

Well, isn’t it interesting that about the beginning of April my friend Jennifer discovered that I had started running? She was almost giddy with excitement! Jennifer was training for a half-marathon and began lobbying for me to do a 5k with her. I wasn’t sure. That meant people would SEE me run. I didn’t know if I could do that. It’s one thing to enjoy my endeavors at home, quite another to have others witness them!

I thought about it for around a month and after remembering the conversation with my dad I decided to do it.

Focus. Hopefully training for that 5k would grant me some.

In the BIGinning...

Two years ago I was the heaviest I'd ever been. A whopping 248 pounds and I felt miserable! I wasn't fully living, I was existing. Sure, I did fun stuff. I socialized. I had activities I was involved in. But there was plenty that I dreamed of doing and I was not doing it at 248 pounds.

I considered sending in a tape to The Biggest Loser..."Jesaca, you have an awesome story. They'd totally take you!", said my closest friend. But, who would I ask to take my girls? Could I do that to them? We had only just begun to settle into our life after losing their dad two and a half years previous. I didn't want to put them through another transition.

But, I knew something had to change...

This journey toward fitness, wholeness really, restoration, began with a sniffle. I was sick. Then I became sicker. One trip to Urgent Care, two prescriptions, a trip to Disney, a chest x-ray and almost five weeks went by and I was still sick. After another visit to the doctor I was given a third prescription and told if I wasn’t better after this course of meds I could expect to have a sinus scan.

I knew what that meant and I wasn’t thrilled about anyone going at my sinuses with a scalpel.

Not to mention the nose packing afterwards that would have me looking like a cat for several days! No way.

I headed home from the appointment without bothering to fill the prescription. I knew why I felt so miserable. I didn’t take care of myself. My diet had been crappy. Exercise that involved any effort was non-existent. The body just doesn’t accept the excuse of being a tired, overwhelmed single mom that finds it much easier to order pizza or pop in chicken nuggets or corn dogs with a frozen veggie than creating a healthy meal for myself and my girls. I had run myself ragged and didn’t get enough rest, keeping busy and trying to escape the reality that my life is my life and will continue to be not exactly what I planned. It was time to get real and stop lying to myself.

So, I started consuming massive quantities of garlic. Yes, RAW. Every day.

After about a week, I was feeling much better! However, I was still dragging around and couldn’t seem to get any energy. It was time for a visit to Dr. Joe.

I was ready to do a cleanse.

By now it was the end of November and Dr. Joe wouldn’t let me do a cleanse! Not until after Christmas he told me.

So, I began to prepare mentally and emotionally. I’d done one before and I knew what it would take to come through it successfully. I organized my schedule around those 21 days. I canceled any plans with friends that might interfere…dinner dates especially. I knew what would be required of my willpower.

Supplements, protein shakes and raw fruits and vegetables for 21 days. I knew I could expect to feel awful for 2 or 3 of the first four days. Sure enough, achy body and headache assaulted full force. But by day 4 I was feeling like a new woman!

I wanted to be sure to pump all of the toxic garbage out of my system and committed myself to walking on the treadmill 3 or 4 times a week to get my lymphatic system moving.

At some point during that 3 week cleanse a strange thought popped into my head. I found myself wondering, “Could I run?”. That day I ran for 2 minutes.

Wow!

From that moment I began to push my running time up by adding a little bit more each week. I finished the cleanse feeling wonderful and dropped weight by 24 pounds and my cholesterol by 55 points. I decided to continue walking/running 2-3 times a week. I was determined to hang on to this new discipline in my life.

I was running-who ’da thought!

Even When I Run

So, I love to run.

Someone asked me the other day, “What is it that you love about running?”

Wow. I haven’t tried to put it into words before.

I haven’t always been a runner. I only started running about 2 years ago.

Some things about my life had to change and starting to run was part of that.

Walk for 10 minutes, run for 2 minutes….do it again. That’s how it started one cold, winter day on a treadmill, indoors.

I kept at it on my treadmill; two to three mornings a week. I started to lose some weight. I felt better overall. The weather warmed up and I took a run outside. I remember thinking to myself, “Is this really me? Am I doing this? I’m a runner!”

I often used my running time to pray, praise and worship. I’d dialog with the Lord about how I was doing, messes I’d made or ways I’d seen Him working in my life. I really connect with Him in a powerful way when I moving my body. He’s been walking me through a time of discovery these last few years about how He has designed me. He’s helping me see and embrace my unique role in the Epic adventure of life here on Earth. For a while now, people I encounter will tell me what a strong person I am. I haven’t known what to do with that, but have been working on gaining a better understanding about who I am and how God views me and what kind of plan He has for my life.

God has used the last 2 years to lead me on a journey inside myself.

I now also weight train. I learned how to swim and now I train for triathlons. I’ve completed 4! I’ve sorted through some painful emotional stuff as I’ve shed more than 70 pounds now. I’ve had a few of those “Biggest Loser” moments, crying during the workout (I kept looking for the cameras!), during the run and once during a swim.

So, back to the question. What is it I love about running?

Every time I run I’m in that moment where I began to change my life. The moment before I ever stepped onto the treadmill! I’m making the choice to step into what God’s already granted me. I own it. Anything is possible there. For however many miles I’m the truest, freest me I can be. The woman God created me to be. I can feel the strength and drive and beauty He’s crafted within me. Sometimes, I can bring that woman right out of the run with me and we can face the challenges of life standing squarely in God’s strength and grace. Even when God and I have been wrestling about big life stuff, He meets me there.

We run together. And no matter how I may try to escape or hide sometimes, He captures me in His love. Even when I run….