After...

Well, the Trek Women's Triathlon race of July 2009 was absolutely fantastic. I enjoyed the whole thing.

Others have asked me, my trainer, Paul, has asked me, "What was the worst part of the race?"

Had to think on that. Really. There was no worst part. There have been several races since and there has yet to be a worst part. There are some moments that I may think, "This is getting a little difficult. C'mon girl. Go. GO!" Those moments are immediately followed by, "I can't believe I GET to do this! It's a challenge and I'm meeting it. I was a fat girl. God is good. God is faithful. I trained for this. I can do it! He is restoring the years the locust has eaten. I'm going to accept all He has for me and praise Him!"

Few have, however, asked about after.

I was ill-prepared for what happened to me after the race. It can be a difficult thing to explain so please bear with me.

After the smiles and tears of a VERY successful finish, I found myself quite sad! The transition area was emptying. Charis had just gotten a new phone and was busy texting away with well wishers from all over. The folks I tried to call didn't answer or had to go right away. She had a friend there and a sister and her family and I started feeling very alone.

This was very frustrating to me because I knew I'd be "on my own" with this. On a heart level I was prepared for it to be just God and I. He's who I did it for. And I KNEW He was with me, but the enemy was relentless. I tried to enjoy our celebration lunch out-complete with turtle sundae! Still, I was overwhelmed with thoughts before we left to head home. How would I make it through the rest of my races on my own? There was no special someone for me to share this with. God had to be enough. He knew what this was to me. He alone really understood how deep the journey went for me. How precious the victory was. How impossible-made-possible by faith and obedience.

I got over that wave of sadness. Then, on the ride home, Charis' husband Matt, called with our results.

Five weeks before the race I was finishing 5k in under 30 minutes. Then I had the leg injury and I went easy on the leg during the race. My 5k run took 32 minutes. And, even though I finished the swim 8 minutes faster than I thought I would and finished the bike faster too, Charis' overall time was much closer to the ideal time I want to do a race in. She was screaming and flailing all over in the car, so happy with her results. My heart didn't seem to listen to the very logical fact that I didn't have a road bike and that I pretty much went as fast as you can go on a hybrid on my bike. It didn't hear that I had done fantastic on the run after not having run for 5 weeks! I was so disappointed. Then mad at myself for being disappointed!

How could I be so ungrateful? I had done what I set out to do with God's help and finished the race. I was a triathlete!

I still don't have it all figured out! I'm not done growing in this experience. Even now, almost a year later, I have an aversion to being compared in some way to others. During a race I just zone in and do my own thing for the most part. But in a training or a practice where time is being kept and I'm aware of how I do compared to others - I FREAK OUT!! It's weird. It's like my brain demands that I refuse to compete.

As an example, during master's swim I would become so frustrated that I was so much slower than everyone else (this is not an exaggeration, I am always the slowest!) I couldn't relax enough to learn! I'd also stop bother trying to do well because I figured I'd never measure up anyway, I was so far behind, why bother? I quit going for 3 months! Now I get in and do my own thing. I have to tell myself that it's my race and no one else matters in my race.

This I do know: God's walking with me in this! That moment after the race, and several since, led me into a deeper examining of things I don't like about myself. I'm exploring His grace and the self-discipline I apply to my spiritual walk. He loves me and continues to show me that He does!

For the past many months I have beaten up and berated myself for my inability to just not care about how I do! How can I be so petty? Why do I care so much?! During one race, as I dropped back from pushing myself, I recognized that I feared my best wouldn't be good enough. How often had I sabatoged my life by not trying my best because I feared it wouldn't be good enough? That I would be compared and found wanting...On three separate occasions I contemplated quitting altogether so that I wouldn't have to deal with the conflict within myself. Each time God rescued me from that place! The best of who I am is how God can minister the fullness of abundant living to me! Of course the enemy wants to do anything and everything to keep me from that place!!

The two very specific things God's shown me so far:

The first, I am an incredible, unique individual. He created me to be exactly who I am. My mind, body and spirit and connections between them are unlike anyone else on earth. I said unlike, as in different, not better, just different! (Thank you, Becky Patton!) The strengths and weaknesses I have in body and in spirit can not be compared to anothers. I have to look to the Lord to address, manage, cultivate and cure them. I can not follow the formula of another persons life or ideas to "achieve" in any area of life. I have the privilege of Scripture study and wise counsel in my life, but ultimately God and I, my faithwalk in fellowship with Him, is what continuously proclaims victory in my life.

This dovetails to the second thing He's shown me, I will win, in my own life, every moment, every challenge, every trial, every race that I run with God. No one can come against the victorious living I do in my Saviour. If this is something He has for me to do-I intend to do it, by His strength and in His grace. Even if I'm the last one accross that line!

It's Here!! It's Finally Here!!!

JULY 2009


Well, race day zoomed up on us! We had finished our tri-prep class. I was soooo glad I took it. The class had covered all the basic parts of the race and a lot more. I felt prepared. I was about to learn if I was!

Charis and I enjoyed our 6 hour drive to Pleasant Prairie, WI.

We're ready!

From my journal:

The expo the day before the race was so fun. Charis and I have to wait for our shirts because they didn’t have any left in our sizes. They marked both of our arms with our numbers and we got our timing chips. We looked at fun sports products and grabbed lots of free goodies. We listened to an inspirational speaker and course overview. We examined the beach where we’d be starting and put our feet in the water. We went out for a pasta dinner and drove the bike course. We were ready.

We knew the weather the next day was going to be great. It was hard to get to sleep the night before, that’s for sure! My phone alarm sounded way too soon-3:45am. The transition area would be opening at 4:30 and our plan was to be there at 5:30. All of my gear was laid out the night before so all I had to do was go through the pile of stuff to get ready and make the breakfast. Heart rate monitor, contacts-that’s right, I was going to put an extra set of contacts in my transition bag! I loved putting on that tri suit-it made everything very real.

Well, I had to figure out what to do with my hair too. Why did I grow it long again? No matter how I did it, it was sure to be a mess when I was done. I just wanted to keep it out of my face. I figured out something that I hoped would work and still fit under the bike helmet.

Breakfast. Double protein smoothie and oatmeal. Fill my water bottle to rinse my feet after the swim. Fill my water bottle for my bike with Gatorade. Fill my other water bottle. Pray they have enough port-a-potties at the race! I grabbed all my stuff and we were pretty much on schedule. Charis gathered the food we were planning to eat between the closing of the transition area at 6:30 and our swim wave which would be no sooner than 8:20!

Even with all of the detours for construction and closed roads for the race we made good time to the off-site parking. We just needed to pull our bikes off the van and pump up the tires and we’d be good to go-plenty of time. Except Charis had some trouble with the bike pump! We got enough air in her tires to make it the 2 miles we needed to go-we hoped-and off we went.

We made it to the race site at about 6:05. Instead of the hour we had planned, we had 25 minutes to set up and get out! Charis headed straight to the bike mechanic and I went to rack my bike. There was no room. The bikes were packed in with about 2-3 inches between each one. Wow. With 3200 women registered for the event, we saw this could be a problem the day before as we looked over the sea of already racked bikes, and asked about our options. I grabbed the next rack closest to the one I was assigned and racked my bike.

About 15 minutes later, as I was setting up my gear, I saw Charis one rack over. The bike mechanic pumped up her tires and assured her that the tube would be fine. We were both relieved! Then she walked over with this mournful look on her face. “Jesaca, I’m so sorry. I forgot the food.” Gulp. I couldn’t believe what came out of my mouth! I’m typically NOT a calm-under-pressure-girl…“You know what? It’s o.k. We’ll be o.k. We’ve been preparing for this for a long time. We’re ready. We’ve hydrated well all week. We’ve been eating well for weeks. We’ve trained well. Our bodies will do whatever we ask them to do today!” We scrounged what we could and prepared to leave the transition area with everyone else. We headed to the pottys right near the transition area and got in line. The line wasn’t too bad. We knew we had plenty of time.

As we headed toward the beach we decided to watch the elite wave of 11 women take off at 7:00. We had a super view off the side of the lake. It was a straight across swim. The first woman came out of the water after her half-mile swim in under 9 minutes! Wow!

 

 I love those pink goggles!!

Charis was watching for her sister, Bethany, to maybe show up and take some pictures of us. We figured after we saw the line for the port-a-pottys that we should get in it! It took 50 minutes to make it through the line. We worked on stretching while we were in it! Then we hit the water to warm up a bit. We cheered on the gals from previous waves who were headed to the finish line on their runs! Then we started to join all of the yellow caps that were headed into the corral on the beach. It was almost time!

As we were standing there, Bethany found us and began snapping pictures. Then we were crossing the timing mat. We were cheering and dancing to the loud music and then we were counting down. I gave Charis a big hug and punched my watch stem and off we went!

I remembered to stay calm. I just kept swimming and sighting and bumping into other gals who would stop and say they were sorry. It didn’t seem like many of them were really swimming, they mostly had their heads above the water and I totally get that! I only learned how to swim in October and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But after a while, as I would turn my head to breathe, I noticed an odd look on the faces of the gals I could see. When it dawned on me that it was a look of admiration I wanted to cry! “Yes,” I thought, “I’m really swimming! I can swim and you can learn how too and you should!” I really hit a groove and was so comfortable so I started pushing for a little more speed, trying to pace myself and remember to rest my legs-they had a long ways to go yet. When I realized I was more than half way I got so excited. I thought, “I’m going to do this, I’m really going to do this! I don’t think it’s taking me the 30 minutes that I thought it would! I have prepared for this!” Then I could see the lake bottom getting closer to me and I wanted to scream. I came out of that water as fast as I could.

 Thanks, Bethany, for all of the wonderful pics!!

I started running and yanking on the zipper of my wetsuit. (Yes, I really wore a wetsuit!) I saw the timing mat under my feet and I yanked my wetsuit down to my waist. As I began the long run through the transition area I grabbed my goggles and swim cap off my head. I ran straight to my bike, thank goodness, and looked at my watch. What?!? 22 minutes!!! I began pulling off my wetsuit and looked over. There was Charis! We waved excitedly at each other and she was off!

The transition was a little scrambly for me. I was worried I’d forget something! I was pumped to get on the bike, I knew I was already ahead of time!

3,000 bikes!

As I headed off with my bike, I was a little confused, no one else seemed in much of a hurry. I scooted over another timing mat and tried to move through the group of women that were starting out on their bikes. It was so disorienting. No one seemed to be in a hurry! I was thinking, “Is it supposed to be like this?” Women were taking up the entire lane 3 and 4 wide and moseying along at a leisurely pace. A woman in front of me ran over a cone and almost wiped out while she was waving to her family! At that point I started hollering… “Coming through! On your left! On your left! On your left!” I was as polite as I could be as I started trying to ramp up my speed until I finally left the driveway of the recplex and moved onto the road that was closed to traffic for us. I began screaming by everyone on my bike. Even up the first several hills! Charis and I had started off in the buddy wave. I wonder if that’s why so many gals were 2 and 3 wide on the roadway chatting like they had all the time in the world. Good for them. I’m glad they got together to do this fun triathlon thing. It’s good exercise. There were lots of people at the expo yesterday. Were you gals not there? You’re supposed to stay to the right. “On your leeeeffft!!!!” Could you just maybe stay out of my way? Thanks!

I was really pleased with how well I maneuvered on the hills. Once again I thought about how much I had prepared for this and I was so glad I had. I wished I knew my average speed. I knew I was in the 16 range a lot and I didn’t seem to drop below 11 on the hills. I knew I hit 26 at one point, but it was hard to tell overall! When I got the official results I was really shocked! My average on my hybrid was 17 mph, which my trainer, Mark, assures me is kickin’ for my bike! My time for the bike leg was 8 minutes less than I guessed it would be!

I came in off of the bike trying to be careful of the moseyers! I downed a gel pack and some water and headed out on the run. Now would come the challenge.

 Lookin' a little fierce, that's me!!!

Five weeks ago I was doing 5k in just under 30 minutes. Not really fast, but incredible for me! But for the last 5 weeks, I hadn’t been able to run much more than 2 minutes at a time because I was having trouble with my lower left leg after ramping up my intensity without wearing my orthotics for 2 ½ months. I had resigned myself to the idea that I might need to walk the run leg of the race. Just 4 days before the race I was finally able to run for more than 20 minutes and I cried with relief. I wanted to do this pretty badly!

I felt pretty good heading out. I knew my leg was warmed up well too, though they both felt wooden for about the first mile. I clipped along checking my heart rate every so often. It was hard to know just how much to push my leg. I know I can run comfortably with my heart rate, in race conditions, at 168-171. I kept it at 165-166 to keep from pushing on my leg! My time for the run ended up being a little over 32 minutes. While I was disappointed, I know I can’t complain. Especially after Charis reminded me that I hadn’t really run for 5 weeks! I didn’t have an ipod either because they’re not allowed. (Though I saw numerous women wearing them anyway!) I walked 3 or 4 steps for water at the first water stop and then ran through a sprinkler. At the half way point they had a fire hose, which I ran through! I walked for some water again and couldn’t believe how great I felt, so I took it up a notch. I started to feel my leg, but it wasn’t too bad and I was almost to the finish! The closer I got to the finish line, the harder I pushed and it was difficult to move through the many people that were strolling to the finish! People were cheering and clapping and before I knew it I was crossing the timing mat!

Thank you, God! Thank you for seeing me through so much! Race day was mostly about celebrating the journey, for me. I did it! I really did it! That had to be one of the best feelings of my life. Charis was there and we grabbed each other and just cried. We’re such girls!! She had held her finishers medal to put around my neck and I did the same for her. What an incredible moment!!! What an awesome day. An ordained journey. According to Sally Edwards, I can now say, “I am an invincible triathlete!”

I think this one says it all.

Incredibly, I had completed my goal to do a triathlon! It had been less than one year since I had partnered with the Lord to pursue it. The journey had been about so much more than that one race! God used it to cultivate strength in my body, mind and spirit. I discovered so much about who I am, who He is and how He loves me and what He wants for my life. I'm sure I sound silly when I describe triathlon as a spiritual experience. I know it's not the triathlon that is. It's my life. Triathlon is a gift that allowed me to more fully embrace my life and the wholeness of who God created me to be. And I'm deeply grateful for His mercy and grace!

The Bloody Battle isn't over...yet

Who is that vibrant woman?

This is my favorite picture of "The New Me" so far!

The way I look matches so much better how I feel inside. 

By the end of May 2009, I'd been working with Paul and Mark for about 8 months. I'd seen some tangible physical progress. I've described some of the amazing experiences I had while I was working so hard to change my life, essentially, who I was.

However, I recognize that much of my story can sound kind of "over the top". I love to memorialize the most shiny moments! I don't enjoy revisiting ugliness. You know some people save their "fat" clothes so they can compare them later-remember where they've been-not me! I've gotten rid of every stitch of "fat" clothing I had. I want to support every effort to stay focused on where I'm headed.

Let me explain something, though, that I perhaps have not been clear enough about. This journey has been and continues to be a downright, spiritual/emotional bloody battle.

When I contacted HOMFIT to begin training, I had already been working pretty hard on my own for 8 months. I was mentally prepared to continue applying my determination to the hard physical workouts.

Nothing prepared me for the emotional work I'd have to do! I had to grapple with dirty looks from friends as my appearance began to change. I struggled with feeling very conspicuous as my shape changed and I began to wear more fitted clothing. People were always asking me what I was doing to lose weight and I would find myself the center of conversation over and over again. As my weight went down it seemed to be unearthing a variety of elements that tied my emotions to the pounds that were leaving. As I began to turn my back on previous escape mechanisms I had to begin facing emotional trials head-on! That made for some interesting melt downs and serious self-examination.

Why was I tempted to eat when I wasn't hungry?

Why did I want to watch hours of mind numbing TV?

I was lonely. I was unhappy. I was angry. I was bored. I was anxious. An old emotional scar was picked open as I faced a circumstance of the present.

I had to learn to face those things and wrestle with them as they occurred and make different choices about how to look at them. I had to take the time to frame them in the hope of Truth. And it's still stinkin' hard work!! We live in a culture that isn't the most supportive about putting the brakes on life to get things figured out. We're supposed to pull ourselves together and get on with life! Well, I'd put the brakes on anyway. I was determined to do whatever it took, still am. Sometimes that looks unconventional or defies the comfortable societal norms. People tell me I'm courageous for my attitude about doing whatever I need to do when I need to do it no matter how others view it. Maybe. I think I'm more stubborn and perhaps compelled than I am courageous.

I have to fight every single day to make these changes. Each and every day stands alone. Are there bright, ecstatic days? You bet there are. Are there days that I've been knocked down and decide not to get back up until the sun goes down and comes up again? Absolutely! Every moment hasn't been victorious! I have to choose not just to believe the Truth, but to walk in it.

Some days I don't want to get out of bed and it takes me a while.

Some days I want to be crabby and I cringe as I snap at my girls.

Some days I still want to just pig out and escape whatever current concerns I may have and I do.

Some days everything makes me cry and I can't stand my own wretched ungrateful spirit.

Some days I'm still someone I really don't want to be.

Some days I wake up and think, "I don't want to swim/bike/run today." *gasp* and I don't!

On other days, I know exactly who I am and whose I am!

On those days I am a force to be reckoned with. I embrace the beauty and strength God's wrought in me. I hit the ground running in the right direction and only God's hand will stop me. It seems that my life is absolutely inspired and ordained. I speak and others hear Truth and see Truth as I do life with them. My spirit cannot help but run, dance and laugh and encourage others to do the same with abandon. I live and walk in a trust that is so true and transparent that I feel as though I'm breathing the very air of the Kingdom!

Please hear me say this with gravest humility, because the beauty of this work in my life has almost NOTHING to do with me! God has born it out as I've pressed into Him to remind me of His eternal truth moment by moment. The key to the transformation of my outer shell hasn't been some special diet or workout routine or the power of positive thinking, but my passion to surrender all of who I am to the One who made me.

I felt a need to explain that.

Anyway, as incredible as some of my moments on this journey seem, I was about to head to family camp at the end of May and experience one of the most jaw dropping episodes so far!

...and I had yet to complete a triathlon!

Food: what, how, when?

I found that I was eating all the time! These are the things I found through trial and error with instruction from my trainers that have been most successful for me...

1) I try to follow the 30/30/40 rule. The total day's calorie intake should be 30% protein, 30% fat, and 40% carbohydrates.  I don't stress out about every last thing on the label, but some people need to watch for specific sensitivities. I find that if it falls into this ratio it's a fairly healthy option. If I eat any bars (they can be handy!) I try to be sure that they fall most to the protein side. It's really difficult to get that protein in so I try to pack it in wherever I can. My latest protein snack choice - tuna! Thanks, Paul.

I have just now begun counting calories! I have 15 lbs to go to reach my high weight goal of 165 lbs. I still keep the ratio in mind, all calories are not created equal and our body needs nutritional balance to function optimally!

2) I plan what I will eat and when! Seriously. First thing in the morning I look at my day and plan what I have time to eat and when. I WRITE IT DOWN in my food log! Then as the day goes on if I have to make adjustments I note the changes in the log. I eat something every 3 hours. It keeps my blood sugar levels nice and even and keeps me from being ambushed by a hungry binge at any point during the day and that gives me time to be conscious about my choices.

3) I got in the habit of taking a healthy snack and my water bottle along every time I left the house. I won't be caught out somewhere without excellent quick options. I encouraged my daughters to take ownership of their own water and snacks as well. Apples, almonds or baby carrots have been the most efficient options though I'll sometimes wedge the apple and have peanut butter with it if I'm in the mood!

4) If I'm at a social event where there is food, I eat it! Most of the time I eat small servings of whatever is being served and I enjoy it. Sometimes I indulge a little more, but I've usually planned for it within my week of eating if I do. I DO NOT deprive myself of foods I enjoy. I DO NOT diet. I've armed myself with information that gives me a balanced perspective on food's purpose in my life. With God's strength I moderate my intake and exposure to them and rejoice in the blessing of a healthy body that allows me to feel vibrant and serve Him well! How can we feel deprived when we put each element of our life in a place of priority that honors Him above all else when that is truly the desire of our heart? It's still a daily surrender for me...I have to examine myself and be honest with myself and the Lord about what I really want, period.

What do I want? The truest redeemed heart of me wants to honor and glorify God with my life, but there are days I don't successfully step forward from that place! As I've been on this journey I recognize that I need to continually examine this area and others for misconceptions and lies I believe that keep me from walking as closely with Him as I desire and from going the places He has for me to go.

One day, one of my HOMFIT trainers encouraged me to "Embrace the Athlete" and that took me somewhere I'd only dreamed of going...

The 5k

 My girls and I celebrating my birthday at Benihana. I weighed about 220lbs.

April gave way to May and around the same time I celebrated my 36^th birthday I gave myself an ipod and I took my running outside!  It was an interesting new challenge.  I don’t think a day went by for a long time without thinking, as I stepped outside, “I can’t believe I’m doing this, is this really me?  Who am I?  Has this always been here or is this new? Hey! I’m a runner!!”

During June, I continued to pray and praise and thank God that I was healthy enough to be enjoying this new adventure.

I began to read Never Say Diet by Chantel Hobbs. God dropped it in my lap at just the right time. I don’t remember what moved me to purchase that exact book, but I remember seeking it our specifically. I read the first half of the book in one day!

Chantal’s philosophy about “brain change” was instrumental in the next part of my journey - conquering my attitudes about food. The key piece of wisdom she offered was to concentrate on getting good nutrition/fuel into your body first. I didn’t worry about eliminating anything from my diet right away, but I did begin to prioritize getting everything that my body needed before I ate the stuff I didn’t!!

I would tell myself, “Jesaca, you can eat cookies AFTER you finish your salad!” And I did!

I wasn’t losing any more weight, but I wasn’t gaining. I prioritized getting my rest too. That was also a key to turning the corner toward success. I would drop anything I was doing at 9pm and go to bed.

Sometime during June I remember praying about the whole “being a strong woman” thing. Seriously, people tell me that all the time. “You’re so strong and confident! I could never do the things you do. Jesaca, you’re so inspiring!”, they say. It’s difficult for me to see what others see. I had run a practice 5k with Jennifer and was really excited about it. “O.k., God,” I told Him. “I’m having a moment when I really believe what everyone tells me. What you tell me in your Word. You’ve created me to be a strong woman and I’m going to embrace and accept that.”  The Holy Spirit pressed on me immediately. “My child, I want you to be stronger!” Well. Hmmmm. “God you’re going to have to show me what that looks like!”

Well, He began to show me.

In July I ran that 5k with Jennifer! I made my goal to do it in less than 45 minutes. I wasn’t last either! I had already been contemplating what I needed to focus on after that 5k was done. I didn’t want to lose my momentum.

July turned to August and I got serious during my prayer time. “What am I going to do, God, to keep going, to get stronger?” God asked me, “If you could do anything, anything at all, nothing to hold you back, what would you choose to do?” 

Out it came from a blossoming, courageous place, the daring, adventurous answer of my heart. “A triathlon, I really want to do a triathlon!”

And God said, “Yes.”