And They Lived Happily Ever After...

A few things have happened since my last post…I’ll pick up on my triathloning adventures and challenges again soon.

Shortly before I posted it, I met a man.

Actually, I was friended by a man…on facebook.

Creepy sounding, I know.

It would have been completely creepy if I didn’t discover just how many friends we had in common and that one of them had given him my name. Of course neither of us knew that we had 3 sets of common friends that had been praying we'd spend some time getting to know one another. They had even tried to orchestrate a chance meeting at a SuperBowl party earlier that year.

His name is Greg Stoesz. *sigh*

We attend the same church and had for the last 8 years or so. Nope. We’d never met.

If I had to guess, I’d say that more than 100 of the 456 wedding invitations we sent out were sent to people that we both knew! That’s right, WEDDING INVITATIONS!!!

But wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.

I’d spent about 6 months on eharmony. Think what you will. My dearest friend told me she thought it was time and that made me pause. After shedding a few tears and admitting that I was afraid of being hurt, I surrendered to the idea that God might have more for me. I desired to share my life with someone and wondered if that might be where God had someone waiting.

I “dated” a couple men. Mind you, I loathe the term and never used it when explaining to my daughters how I was spending evenings out. Dating has connotations in our society that I’d rather not have them associate with how I was getting to know anyone. I learned a lot about myself, the healing I'd done and how firm my convictions were about what the right man would be like.

But, sometime in March I found myself in a fervent discussion with the Lord. He was asking me once again if I really believed who He said He was to me. Did I really believe that if I made it to the end of my life on this earth with no man beside me that I would experience the fullness of the life He had for me here?

Yes. Of course I did. I really did. I laid down my desires once again. What a tricky business it is to hold our God given desires loosely. To hope for them and to wait.

He reminded me to stop looking so far into the future and to trust Him with the next year. I pressed needily into the Lord for something to move into and to utilize my hopeful energy and He put some projects on my heart.

And so I was content to focus on those things.

And then Greg friended me at the end of May.

I told him during our first phone conversation that I was interested only in friendship. I had other things I needed to be focusing on right now. I made certain he got the message.

In my heart was a genuine desire to honor His request as a Christian brother. He stepped forward in a very vulnerable way to make his request, and I didn’t really know enough about him to just reject him out of hand. I’d been doing some scripture reading recently about what respecting my Christian brothers looks like. I figured I’d need to understand better what “respect” looks like for a good marriage.

We made a coffee date for more than a week away. Very casual.

June 2nd we met at a coffee shop and didn't drink any coffee, though we talked comfortably for 3 hours. Greg was way hotter in person than in his pictures and much smaller. He’s still a big guy, but he’d lost some weight on his own quest for better health some time before he met me. I will never forget that first time I saw him. My heart jumped in my chest in a way it hadn't for quite some time. I told myself to stay calm.

He demonstrated a gentle spirit and a direct manner during our interaction that I found very attractive. Our conversation ranged over a variety of topics and we saw eye-to-eye on each one, including the fact that he’d been divorced. He was completely direct about the circumstances and wanted to know where I stood theologically. “Would that be a problem for us?”, he asked. “No,” I told him. “I believe God’s grace covers all sin.” He was playful and respectful of my space and looked me in the eye the entire time.

I left that night kicking myself for telling him the “only friendship” thing. But tried to rest in the idea that God had safeguarded my heart with that statement. I tried not to panic as I examined how easily I could fall for him. I had to remind myself to breathe.

I didn’t want to get hurt after putting myself out there enough to know if he’d be good for me. God reminded me to focus and be who He called me to be and not try to figure it out. “Let Me lead”, He said. “Learn how to walk with me in this place.”

There was another phone call, and a facebook message. He wanted to see me again. He wanted to honor my call to focus on the things I needed to do, but was honest about his desire to see how deep a friendship would take us.

He offered to take me out for a Mexican meal and I had to refuse. I had a race two weeks away. I countered with the offer of a walk at a local park, very bold for me, practicing putting myself first. Doing what I needed to do.

As I considered what our evening might look like I began to pray in earnest. “Lord, please just help me know. I don’t want to interrogate anymore men. I don’t want to waste time. Help me to see if your hand is in this.”

June 9th we went for a walk and as this exceptional man walked alongside me, expressing his thoughts and prayerfulness about the future of our relationship. He answered any question I could have thought to ask exactly as he should have...

and I never had to ask the questions!

He told me of his conviction that it was his responsibility to as a man to step into vulnerability first and risk being hurt. He wanted more than friendship and he felt led to reveal that to me without playing at friendship and being inauthentic. He then told me that he believed that physical intimacy should WAIT. FOR. MARRIAGE. He realized that might be a forward thing to talk about but felt the Holy Spirit prompting him to be very forthcoming about it. This was our second "date".

We continued along on our walk through the park chatting and getting to know one another more.

We came to a bench along the water and sat down to admire the lake view and chat some more. He told me how cute he thought I was in my hat.

It was in that moment that I had one of a handful of visions I've had in my lifetime.

I watched as the Lord unlocked a treasure chest and dumped it's contents at my feet. "This is it," He said. "It's what you've asked for and more. Take it. I love you."

The next week we went out for dinner and for another walk. Our 3rd "date". We began to talk of marriage and joining our households and what that would look like.

He then asked if we could sit together in church. Oh. My. Stars. That was big. That would be public. Only a small handful of people knew we were exploring relationship together. Were we ready for the scrutiny? I hadn't even introduced him to the girls yet! We were talking marriage. "Well," I told him, "I sit toward the front." (I knew he was more of a back row sitter!) "That's fine." he replied.

When we stood for worship he asked if he could hold my hand when we prayed and he never let go.

Now, we were quite unaware of the stir we were causing in the pews behind us. Everything I've heard from others about that day leads me to believe not many people paid attention to the sermon. I felt kind of bad about that! Folks from my Sunday School class were texting each other trying to figure out who Greg was. First it was speculated that it might be my brother that was visiting, then we were observed holding hands and the seeking for answers ranged out of the class to others who may know more. Following service we were pounced upon by delightfully smiling, protective friends waiting to be introduced. After service, people did their homework finding out as much as they could about whichever of us they did not know previously.

I think it was decided that we'd be ok to figure this out.

After...

Well, the Trek Women's Triathlon race of July 2009 was absolutely fantastic. I enjoyed the whole thing.

Others have asked me, my trainer, Paul, has asked me, "What was the worst part of the race?"

Had to think on that. Really. There was no worst part. There have been several races since and there has yet to be a worst part. There are some moments that I may think, "This is getting a little difficult. C'mon girl. Go. GO!" Those moments are immediately followed by, "I can't believe I GET to do this! It's a challenge and I'm meeting it. I was a fat girl. God is good. God is faithful. I trained for this. I can do it! He is restoring the years the locust has eaten. I'm going to accept all He has for me and praise Him!"

Few have, however, asked about after.

I was ill-prepared for what happened to me after the race. It can be a difficult thing to explain so please bear with me.

After the smiles and tears of a VERY successful finish, I found myself quite sad! The transition area was emptying. Charis had just gotten a new phone and was busy texting away with well wishers from all over. The folks I tried to call didn't answer or had to go right away. She had a friend there and a sister and her family and I started feeling very alone.

This was very frustrating to me because I knew I'd be "on my own" with this. On a heart level I was prepared for it to be just God and I. He's who I did it for. And I KNEW He was with me, but the enemy was relentless. I tried to enjoy our celebration lunch out-complete with turtle sundae! Still, I was overwhelmed with thoughts before we left to head home. How would I make it through the rest of my races on my own? There was no special someone for me to share this with. God had to be enough. He knew what this was to me. He alone really understood how deep the journey went for me. How precious the victory was. How impossible-made-possible by faith and obedience.

I got over that wave of sadness. Then, on the ride home, Charis' husband Matt, called with our results.

Five weeks before the race I was finishing 5k in under 30 minutes. Then I had the leg injury and I went easy on the leg during the race. My 5k run took 32 minutes. And, even though I finished the swim 8 minutes faster than I thought I would and finished the bike faster too, Charis' overall time was much closer to the ideal time I want to do a race in. She was screaming and flailing all over in the car, so happy with her results. My heart didn't seem to listen to the very logical fact that I didn't have a road bike and that I pretty much went as fast as you can go on a hybrid on my bike. It didn't hear that I had done fantastic on the run after not having run for 5 weeks! I was so disappointed. Then mad at myself for being disappointed!

How could I be so ungrateful? I had done what I set out to do with God's help and finished the race. I was a triathlete!

I still don't have it all figured out! I'm not done growing in this experience. Even now, almost a year later, I have an aversion to being compared in some way to others. During a race I just zone in and do my own thing for the most part. But in a training or a practice where time is being kept and I'm aware of how I do compared to others - I FREAK OUT!! It's weird. It's like my brain demands that I refuse to compete.

As an example, during master's swim I would become so frustrated that I was so much slower than everyone else (this is not an exaggeration, I am always the slowest!) I couldn't relax enough to learn! I'd also stop bother trying to do well because I figured I'd never measure up anyway, I was so far behind, why bother? I quit going for 3 months! Now I get in and do my own thing. I have to tell myself that it's my race and no one else matters in my race.

This I do know: God's walking with me in this! That moment after the race, and several since, led me into a deeper examining of things I don't like about myself. I'm exploring His grace and the self-discipline I apply to my spiritual walk. He loves me and continues to show me that He does!

For the past many months I have beaten up and berated myself for my inability to just not care about how I do! How can I be so petty? Why do I care so much?! During one race, as I dropped back from pushing myself, I recognized that I feared my best wouldn't be good enough. How often had I sabatoged my life by not trying my best because I feared it wouldn't be good enough? That I would be compared and found wanting...On three separate occasions I contemplated quitting altogether so that I wouldn't have to deal with the conflict within myself. Each time God rescued me from that place! The best of who I am is how God can minister the fullness of abundant living to me! Of course the enemy wants to do anything and everything to keep me from that place!!

The two very specific things God's shown me so far:

The first, I am an incredible, unique individual. He created me to be exactly who I am. My mind, body and spirit and connections between them are unlike anyone else on earth. I said unlike, as in different, not better, just different! (Thank you, Becky Patton!) The strengths and weaknesses I have in body and in spirit can not be compared to anothers. I have to look to the Lord to address, manage, cultivate and cure them. I can not follow the formula of another persons life or ideas to "achieve" in any area of life. I have the privilege of Scripture study and wise counsel in my life, but ultimately God and I, my faithwalk in fellowship with Him, is what continuously proclaims victory in my life.

This dovetails to the second thing He's shown me, I will win, in my own life, every moment, every challenge, every trial, every race that I run with God. No one can come against the victorious living I do in my Saviour. If this is something He has for me to do-I intend to do it, by His strength and in His grace. Even if I'm the last one accross that line!

It's Here!! It's Finally Here!!!

JULY 2009


Well, race day zoomed up on us! We had finished our tri-prep class. I was soooo glad I took it. The class had covered all the basic parts of the race and a lot more. I felt prepared. I was about to learn if I was!

Charis and I enjoyed our 6 hour drive to Pleasant Prairie, WI.

We're ready!

From my journal:

The expo the day before the race was so fun. Charis and I have to wait for our shirts because they didn’t have any left in our sizes. They marked both of our arms with our numbers and we got our timing chips. We looked at fun sports products and grabbed lots of free goodies. We listened to an inspirational speaker and course overview. We examined the beach where we’d be starting and put our feet in the water. We went out for a pasta dinner and drove the bike course. We were ready.

We knew the weather the next day was going to be great. It was hard to get to sleep the night before, that’s for sure! My phone alarm sounded way too soon-3:45am. The transition area would be opening at 4:30 and our plan was to be there at 5:30. All of my gear was laid out the night before so all I had to do was go through the pile of stuff to get ready and make the breakfast. Heart rate monitor, contacts-that’s right, I was going to put an extra set of contacts in my transition bag! I loved putting on that tri suit-it made everything very real.

Well, I had to figure out what to do with my hair too. Why did I grow it long again? No matter how I did it, it was sure to be a mess when I was done. I just wanted to keep it out of my face. I figured out something that I hoped would work and still fit under the bike helmet.

Breakfast. Double protein smoothie and oatmeal. Fill my water bottle to rinse my feet after the swim. Fill my water bottle for my bike with Gatorade. Fill my other water bottle. Pray they have enough port-a-potties at the race! I grabbed all my stuff and we were pretty much on schedule. Charis gathered the food we were planning to eat between the closing of the transition area at 6:30 and our swim wave which would be no sooner than 8:20!

Even with all of the detours for construction and closed roads for the race we made good time to the off-site parking. We just needed to pull our bikes off the van and pump up the tires and we’d be good to go-plenty of time. Except Charis had some trouble with the bike pump! We got enough air in her tires to make it the 2 miles we needed to go-we hoped-and off we went.

We made it to the race site at about 6:05. Instead of the hour we had planned, we had 25 minutes to set up and get out! Charis headed straight to the bike mechanic and I went to rack my bike. There was no room. The bikes were packed in with about 2-3 inches between each one. Wow. With 3200 women registered for the event, we saw this could be a problem the day before as we looked over the sea of already racked bikes, and asked about our options. I grabbed the next rack closest to the one I was assigned and racked my bike.

About 15 minutes later, as I was setting up my gear, I saw Charis one rack over. The bike mechanic pumped up her tires and assured her that the tube would be fine. We were both relieved! Then she walked over with this mournful look on her face. “Jesaca, I’m so sorry. I forgot the food.” Gulp. I couldn’t believe what came out of my mouth! I’m typically NOT a calm-under-pressure-girl…“You know what? It’s o.k. We’ll be o.k. We’ve been preparing for this for a long time. We’re ready. We’ve hydrated well all week. We’ve been eating well for weeks. We’ve trained well. Our bodies will do whatever we ask them to do today!” We scrounged what we could and prepared to leave the transition area with everyone else. We headed to the pottys right near the transition area and got in line. The line wasn’t too bad. We knew we had plenty of time.

As we headed toward the beach we decided to watch the elite wave of 11 women take off at 7:00. We had a super view off the side of the lake. It was a straight across swim. The first woman came out of the water after her half-mile swim in under 9 minutes! Wow!

 

 I love those pink goggles!!

Charis was watching for her sister, Bethany, to maybe show up and take some pictures of us. We figured after we saw the line for the port-a-pottys that we should get in it! It took 50 minutes to make it through the line. We worked on stretching while we were in it! Then we hit the water to warm up a bit. We cheered on the gals from previous waves who were headed to the finish line on their runs! Then we started to join all of the yellow caps that were headed into the corral on the beach. It was almost time!

As we were standing there, Bethany found us and began snapping pictures. Then we were crossing the timing mat. We were cheering and dancing to the loud music and then we were counting down. I gave Charis a big hug and punched my watch stem and off we went!

I remembered to stay calm. I just kept swimming and sighting and bumping into other gals who would stop and say they were sorry. It didn’t seem like many of them were really swimming, they mostly had their heads above the water and I totally get that! I only learned how to swim in October and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But after a while, as I would turn my head to breathe, I noticed an odd look on the faces of the gals I could see. When it dawned on me that it was a look of admiration I wanted to cry! “Yes,” I thought, “I’m really swimming! I can swim and you can learn how too and you should!” I really hit a groove and was so comfortable so I started pushing for a little more speed, trying to pace myself and remember to rest my legs-they had a long ways to go yet. When I realized I was more than half way I got so excited. I thought, “I’m going to do this, I’m really going to do this! I don’t think it’s taking me the 30 minutes that I thought it would! I have prepared for this!” Then I could see the lake bottom getting closer to me and I wanted to scream. I came out of that water as fast as I could.

 Thanks, Bethany, for all of the wonderful pics!!

I started running and yanking on the zipper of my wetsuit. (Yes, I really wore a wetsuit!) I saw the timing mat under my feet and I yanked my wetsuit down to my waist. As I began the long run through the transition area I grabbed my goggles and swim cap off my head. I ran straight to my bike, thank goodness, and looked at my watch. What?!? 22 minutes!!! I began pulling off my wetsuit and looked over. There was Charis! We waved excitedly at each other and she was off!

The transition was a little scrambly for me. I was worried I’d forget something! I was pumped to get on the bike, I knew I was already ahead of time!

3,000 bikes!

As I headed off with my bike, I was a little confused, no one else seemed in much of a hurry. I scooted over another timing mat and tried to move through the group of women that were starting out on their bikes. It was so disorienting. No one seemed to be in a hurry! I was thinking, “Is it supposed to be like this?” Women were taking up the entire lane 3 and 4 wide and moseying along at a leisurely pace. A woman in front of me ran over a cone and almost wiped out while she was waving to her family! At that point I started hollering… “Coming through! On your left! On your left! On your left!” I was as polite as I could be as I started trying to ramp up my speed until I finally left the driveway of the recplex and moved onto the road that was closed to traffic for us. I began screaming by everyone on my bike. Even up the first several hills! Charis and I had started off in the buddy wave. I wonder if that’s why so many gals were 2 and 3 wide on the roadway chatting like they had all the time in the world. Good for them. I’m glad they got together to do this fun triathlon thing. It’s good exercise. There were lots of people at the expo yesterday. Were you gals not there? You’re supposed to stay to the right. “On your leeeeffft!!!!” Could you just maybe stay out of my way? Thanks!

I was really pleased with how well I maneuvered on the hills. Once again I thought about how much I had prepared for this and I was so glad I had. I wished I knew my average speed. I knew I was in the 16 range a lot and I didn’t seem to drop below 11 on the hills. I knew I hit 26 at one point, but it was hard to tell overall! When I got the official results I was really shocked! My average on my hybrid was 17 mph, which my trainer, Mark, assures me is kickin’ for my bike! My time for the bike leg was 8 minutes less than I guessed it would be!

I came in off of the bike trying to be careful of the moseyers! I downed a gel pack and some water and headed out on the run. Now would come the challenge.

 Lookin' a little fierce, that's me!!!

Five weeks ago I was doing 5k in just under 30 minutes. Not really fast, but incredible for me! But for the last 5 weeks, I hadn’t been able to run much more than 2 minutes at a time because I was having trouble with my lower left leg after ramping up my intensity without wearing my orthotics for 2 ½ months. I had resigned myself to the idea that I might need to walk the run leg of the race. Just 4 days before the race I was finally able to run for more than 20 minutes and I cried with relief. I wanted to do this pretty badly!

I felt pretty good heading out. I knew my leg was warmed up well too, though they both felt wooden for about the first mile. I clipped along checking my heart rate every so often. It was hard to know just how much to push my leg. I know I can run comfortably with my heart rate, in race conditions, at 168-171. I kept it at 165-166 to keep from pushing on my leg! My time for the run ended up being a little over 32 minutes. While I was disappointed, I know I can’t complain. Especially after Charis reminded me that I hadn’t really run for 5 weeks! I didn’t have an ipod either because they’re not allowed. (Though I saw numerous women wearing them anyway!) I walked 3 or 4 steps for water at the first water stop and then ran through a sprinkler. At the half way point they had a fire hose, which I ran through! I walked for some water again and couldn’t believe how great I felt, so I took it up a notch. I started to feel my leg, but it wasn’t too bad and I was almost to the finish! The closer I got to the finish line, the harder I pushed and it was difficult to move through the many people that were strolling to the finish! People were cheering and clapping and before I knew it I was crossing the timing mat!

Thank you, God! Thank you for seeing me through so much! Race day was mostly about celebrating the journey, for me. I did it! I really did it! That had to be one of the best feelings of my life. Charis was there and we grabbed each other and just cried. We’re such girls!! She had held her finishers medal to put around my neck and I did the same for her. What an incredible moment!!! What an awesome day. An ordained journey. According to Sally Edwards, I can now say, “I am an invincible triathlete!”

I think this one says it all.

Incredibly, I had completed my goal to do a triathlon! It had been less than one year since I had partnered with the Lord to pursue it. The journey had been about so much more than that one race! God used it to cultivate strength in my body, mind and spirit. I discovered so much about who I am, who He is and how He loves me and what He wants for my life. I'm sure I sound silly when I describe triathlon as a spiritual experience. I know it's not the triathlon that is. It's my life. Triathlon is a gift that allowed me to more fully embrace my life and the wholeness of who God created me to be. And I'm deeply grateful for His mercy and grace!